Seriously, I just bought these. They’re way cute, too. No more than 2 weeks ago I picked them out, and today on the subway I was running to try and get a train and I swear they almost ended up around my ankles. They’re not falling off under ordinary circumstances- yet. But I’m beginning to think perhaps I was being a bit dramatic when I chose the size 12, agonizing over whether I should go even larger to be sure if I gained even more weight they’d still fit me. In retrospect squeezing into a slightly tight 10 might have made some sort of sense.
Since I really don’t have any decent clothes for winter in between the new ones I got and my old nice (size 0) things, I think the only rational solution is to commit to fitting those again. My wallet can’t be having with going around buying all these new clothes all the time. I’ll make do with a shoelace-belt when I stop fitting the new stuff, and make a mad dash for good ole familiar itty-bitty jeans territory.
Yes, it’s a plan. What could possibly go wrong?
Filed under: anorexia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, pro-ana
Sure, my heads gonna get away from me sometimes. That’s- you gotta expect that. If I’m trying to lose weight, if I’m watching my calories of course there’s some sick part of me which is going to want to turn it into something- into something way bigger than it really is. That’s- it’s normal. It doesn’t really mean I’m actually doing anything.
So maybe I miss being tiny, maybe some sick part of me misses feeling my ribs and hip bones in the bed at night. The smile I’d get, the secret triumphant comfort of that smile. But that’s not what this is about. This is about a perfectly ordinary, even healthy, desire to regain control of my weight. Any doctor would advise the same thing. Any doctor, anyone, any normal woman wouldn’t want to be overweight and neither do I.
So maybe my head goes off, goes into places which are a little darker than a normal dieter. That doesn’t make what I’m doing, what I’m actually doing rather than what I imagine I might do later- that doesn’t make any of it unhealthy. It’s not out of control, I know the difference between what I’ve done and what kinds of things I’d do if I was sick again. I’m going to draw the line, I know I will. I don’t really want all that sickness back again.
I’m over reacting. Stop over reacting. Act normal. You’re normal now, this is silly, this is hysteria, just act normal. If you act like it’s a big deal you’ll make it a big deal. It isn’t a big deal. IT ISN’T A BIG FUCKING DEAL. Okay?
I just want to lose a little weight, that’s all. Like a heroin addict just wants to get a little high. Like any normal overweight woman. That’s what I am. That’s all I am, now.
