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I’m often not sure whether my father doesn’t think that highly of me or if he just cares about protecting me. This applies particularly to writing but can be seen in all the corners of our relationship, from when I was fat and he wanted me to be thin to when I was crazy and he wanted me to lower my expectations for myself, to now with, as I say, my writing.
I think he may be afraid to encourge me too much, because he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up in terms of publication. Or maybe he just doesn’t think I’m all that good. It’s hard to tell, you know? If someone reads something you wrote and says things like “huh” and says noncommital things or, most often, changes the subjects to that of his personal favorite authors.
I understand if he doesn’t think I can become an actual real life author, not because of lack of talent but because there aren’t that many paying authorial gigs open. I understand if he wants me not to get my hopes up, only to have them dashed. That said, the more noncommital he is the more desperately I want to write something that impresses him.
Today I sent my parents my recently completed story about a world trying to erase its history. My dad called me right away when he had finished it, before my mother even read it. He said he’d wanted to call and tell me how much he loved it, how he couldn’t put it down once he had started it.
I know my writing’s good, you know? I don’t actually need anyone to tell me, I’m confident enough to tell myself it is. And yet, the approval of one’s daddy is something special. I always know he loves me, but the feeling of being respected is something precious that I treasure.
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Totally understandable that you want your father’s genuine, heart felt love and approval.
I can tell you as a parent who’s daughter was anorexic that I was often afraid to say or do anything that would make her illness worse. It makes one overly careful in a way that you aren’t usually.
I wasn’t that way with her (or any of my other children) before her illness. I’m learning to be free and easy again with her. And she is learning the world won’t crumble if certain things don’t happen…to keep her sensitivity (a plus in many ways) under check. That she can be really good at certain things (art, in her case) and sometimes you just don’t always get instantly recognized for it. That there are other factors involved too and some are just plain outside of your control. She is learning to be persistent, to speak up for herself, to set goals, to let go at times.
None of these things caused her eating disorder, but they can might have helped maintain it. Maybe that’s a ‘thin line’ explanation. But, the better she feels about herself, the more these factors just slowly crumble.
Comment by anne May 10, 2009 @ 12:41 pmI”m glad you sent your story to your father. I was hoping you would. I’ll bet he was excited and impressed!
Comment by NChe May 11, 2009 @ 3:59 pmI would be very surprised if he didn’t respect you. You say you know he loves you. that’s for sure. I think the other is for sure as well. If he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t respect himself because if it takes perfection or great achievements or body size etc. to earn respect, none of us, not even my dear friend, lives us to superficial ideas of worthiness. I do know, like all of us parents, he worries about his children. It can’t be helped. If it’s not one thing with one child it’s another with the other child. Human nature is tough to have. An alternative would be intersting.
Anyway, it’s great he expressed delight with your story.
Perhaps both you and he know that worth and dignity has nothing to do with artificial standards invented by society. It was said to me once, “you must really love so and so (child) in your class because he/she is the smartest. Not on your life!!!!!!!! I really did love the child as I did all the kids – If he or she happens to be “quick” so what. Because my father walked away when I was a toddler, never to be seen again, it has been a life long struggle to be believe in my worth. I hope you and I make progress in evolving to the point where we know our worth. But again, it’s that darn human nature that demands we get our fathers’ approval. One positive aspect of getting older – old – is that one learns no one is worth more than oneself. Everyone has limitations from here to there.
Enjoy continuing to hone your talent, your passion. they are yours. Have fun, be carried away, go on adventures, follow, trust. As long as you enjoy the hard work of writing, let the words shape what they will. I’m looking forward to the next chapter. Your writing gives one a lot to think about and enjoy.