to make it official- i need a break, gang. right now i’m staying with my parents and it looks like i’ll be here most of the time from now till the new year. my ed has been easing a bit, i’ve been doing a lot of work editing and expanding on some of my older writing, but i haven’t felt much desire to write about my daily life or come up with fiction posts.
i’ve decided to make it official and say i’ll be back in early january. let’s say if you don’t see me jan 3rd, send help. till then i hope everyone has a great set of holidays and hopefully i’ll have lots to say in 2009!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: creativee writing, fiction, flash fiction, short story, story, writing
The Weather
It may seem to you that a simple set of physical laws will allow the weather on your worlds to take its course without needing too much further input on your part. Alternatively, if you have an activist orientation, you may view the management of weather related phenomena to be an integral part of your role as deity.
Sadly, both of these views will no doubt break down in the face of harsh reality. Weather and climate seem to belong to a class of complex phenomena wherein seemingly minor variations can have vast and long lasting implications. A single snowflake can be a force of destruction or a source of inspiration that can echo forward throughout history.
In light of the significant ramifications a single droplet of rain or gust of wind can have most deities are unable to set things in motion and remain uninvolved regardless of which villages stand to be washed away in the floods or whether an invading army encounters unseasonably fair weather as it attempts to cross a mountain range. One does not generally become a god without having one’s favorites and chosen peoples. However, when one does decide to become involved, be it through the sending of rain or the hurling of lightening bolts, the implications of action in one location will have numerous implications throughout the world in question. A sending of rain to bring the crops up for one village could well mean flooding and catastrophe for a downstream community.
Like many seemingly intractable problems this one does have a fairly simple solution. In tracing back the causes and effects a clear culprit emerges. We must therefore advise against creating the small winged creatures known as butterflies in the first place.
personal note: don’t want to jinx it, but i’ve had a slightly better couple days, and have begun working on editing and expanding some of my eralier fiction things, including this and a bit more on the one-eyed girl
That I have more than 40 pages of assorted fictional writings so far, all jumbled into a word document, and I’m not even halfway through my archive yet?
This is just a lil heads up for anyone who might be concerned if I disappear for a day or two- I’ve decided to finally get together all my fiction and start picking out things I like, things I might want to expand, put things that connect to one another together, etc etc. I was feeling very very sorry for myself because my new ideas seem to have dried up a bit, and sometime yesterday I decided this would be a great opportunity to go back and organize what I have and look at what could use editing and expansion.
So, if anything my absense may be kindof a good sign. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself I’m sitting around in a much more productive and action-oriented way. Which, btw, feels a heck of a lot better than the other sort of sitting around does.
Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, fat acceptance, obesity, Oprah
I’m not going to link to any articles about Oprah’s weight gain and her comments about it, because I consider myself better than that. I wasn’t too good to read an article about it though, the headline “Oprah says she weighs 200 pounds” was just too tempting. It has me thinking deep weight related thoughts this morning.
Let me be clear. I don’t give a damn about Oprah. I’m not rabidly anti-Oprah but I am certainly not prOprah, since there’s pretty much nothing about the woman’s work that I enjoy. Just not my thing, I don’t get it, whatever. Also, I think there are a lot more people in the world to be sorry for than her, so while I admit to having felt for her for a second when I was reading about her ongoing weight trouble, who I really feel for are all the people who have the same battle who aren’t named Oprah Winfrey.
It’s the entire point, really, isn’t it? When are people going to realise that this bullshit about eating right and excersize is just that- bullshit. If someone like Oprah who can literally pay to employ people whose job it is to force her to eat right and excersize, personal chefs, trainers, etc, still can’t keep her weight where she wants it how is this not proof that there’s way more to the puzzle of why people are overweight than we admit?
Is it a cultural thing or a mental thing or a physical thing? My guess is that the answer to that question is “Yes” whatever it is I have it myself- if I’m not severely restricting or binging and purging or following some extremely rigid meal plan I cannot prevent myself from becoming overweight. It’s one of the major reasons why recovery isn’t going so well, because I’m afraid to relax the boundaries even a little, I’m terrified of weight gain, so I get stuck in eating disordered patterns.
The sad thing, to me, is that people like Oprah are still blaming themselves for not having the self control to do what they’ve been advised in terms of excersize and healthy eating. The doctors and naturally thin people of the world blame the fatties, and the fatties blame themselves. No one wants to admit that this is a problem we just don’t have an answer for, an interplay between the biology and brain chemistry of certain people and our modern society which has made available certain cheap, unhealthy foods and given us ways to avoid physical activity in our day to day living.
For myself, I have often wondered if I’d be best served if I could give up the struggle completely and agree to be an overweight but functional member of society. So far this hasn’t been possible. Since the first time I lost weight I’ve found weighing more unbearable. It consumes every waking moment and I become so depressed and unwilling to think about anything but the weight I’ve gained that I’m actually even less able to participate in life than when my eating disorder is in full swing and I’m thinner. Even so, I have always wondered (although only when I’m at a fairly low weight) if one way out would be to trade having a body that I take pride in in return for the chance at having a life where I could be prouder of myself.
Maybe I’m just romanticizing the time when I had a job and was in school and stuff and equating that with the fact that I was obese at the time. I know I can’t turn the clock back, or anything. I just wonder sometimes if one way out of the game would be to completely stop playing.
Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders
Just woke up from dreaming it was christmas. There were miles of food on the table. There was a weird guy next to me who I didn’t recognize who started serving himself and digging in. The food looked great. My sister was bringing things to the table and I asked if I should begin serving myself. Not everyone was there yet.
My sister said “Oh, sorry, I don’t think there’s anything you can have. This has eggs in it, I don’t think you eat that do you? Yeah, everything has eggs in it. I don’t think you can have any of this.”
Slowly everyone began coming to the table around me, serving themselves, and eventually everyone was eating and talking around me. I kept looking at the food, wishing I could have some, but I didn’t even have a plate.
Not a fun dream. On a related note, this seems to have become a new trend where I say and honestly believe I’m going to turn over a new, healthier, more sensible leaf. Then when I set out to implement it I come up with some new version of severely restricting and/or binging and purging. My last new leaf lasted one day- except I totally restricted that day.
It made sense at the time! I was sure I’d have some water weight gain if I stopped purging- so to be safe and minimize the damage I figured I’d hold off on the full and complete meal plan. Then the next day I was seeing my parents at 1pm so obviously I didn’t want to eat anything before seeing them, because of nerves, not because I was trying to restrict or anything. And as my post implied, after I got back I had the perfect excuse to binge because I could blame the stress of going out for making me. Then yesterday, well, not sure what my excuse was but I sure as heck didn’t follow my full meal plan or anything.
I don’t like this new trend at all. It doesn’t feel like me to be so wishy washy and keep telling myself I’m not doing something I clearly am doing. The first time was one thing, but this is getting ridiculous. I’m starting to feel like my wishes and intentions are being completely over ruled by the eating disorder. Not a very good sign, I don’t think.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: 21st birthday, american culture, drinking, Uncategorized
Shorty just turned 21 yesterday and it got me thinking about the strange paradox of the 21st birthday celebration.
In America you reach adulthood on your 21st birthday. Before you turn 21 it is against the law for you to buy alcohol, which means that anyone under 21 has a big flashing neon sign saying “not an adult yet” when they make plans to do anything socially. Can’t go to bars, can’t order a drink at a restaraunt, even to see a show it will first be necessary to make sure the show is 18+. Like it or not, because of these real life impacts of not being able to legally consume alcohol the age of 21 has become the age at which a person fully becomes a person in our culture.
When I think about a society recognizing the transitioning of a child into adulthood I think of things like a barmitzvah of a jewish 13 year old boy, or an African tribesman killing his first wildebeest. In other words, I think of rituals in which the adult world recognizes the youth for the first time and welcomes him into his new responsibilities as an adult.
Now try and hold that idea in your mind as you think about the American ritual of adulthood. The 21 year old college student likely doesn’t even see his or her parents, the tradition involves only others of their age group and involves behaving in as irresponsible and immature manner possible- getting so drunk you’re sick and acting like a total ass are integral components to this rite of passage.
This seems strange to me. That our society would have evolved in such a way so as to celebrate reaching adulthood by rejecting anything approaching responsibility or maturity. If the ritual was that of “one last crazy party before you settle down” it might be different- something like a bachelor party seems fairly harmless. But the idea that now you’re an adult you get to behave as irresponsibly as you choose, with fewer consequences, seems fundamentally mixed up to me.
It makes me think, anyway. Don’t get me wrong- I actually have no problem with people getting drunk and having a rowdy good time. I think it’s harmless fun mostly and have engaged in such behavior myself, on occasion. The part that troubles me is the connection of this to what it means to be an adult, not the fact that people like to go out and have a good time in the first place.
Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders
Sarcasm of the title notwithstanding, I went to see Milk today with my mom and dad and it was an excellent movie and reminded me that I shouldn’t take the gay rights movement for granted all the time. As much as the marriage issue annoys me, I’ve benefitted from the amazing progress the country has made towards acceptance and tolerance towards gay people since 1978, the year Harvey Milk was assasinated and also the year I happen to have been born.
Shame on me and all that.
Anyway, this is just a quick update since I don’t have much to say. The no purging thing went great yesterday, but seeing my parents always gets me in the mood to run out, buy a bunch of food, eat it, and then puke. Nothing against them, it’s just how I deal with disruption and stress and stuff.
It hasn’t happened yet though, and I’m doing my best to hang in there. Fingers crossed and all that.
Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders
That’s it, I’m done.
It’s been building for weeks, months maybe. I hate purging. It makes me feel like absolute hell. It’s disgusting. It’s dirty. It makes me feel so gross that I also take less care of cleanliness in my apartment and with my personal hygeine, because I feel gross all the time from habitually eating tons of food and puking it.
I never before was a true bulimic. I learned how to purge early in the career of my eating disorder, but my primary focus was on restricting up until the past year or so. The fact that I became a hardcore bulimic sickened me, and it also played into the feeling of constant fatness. When my eating disorder was young I always made sure I was restricting, not binging and purging, because bulimics are traditionally less sucessful at weight loss. In my mind the words “fat” and “bulimic” became synonymous, and it’s remained that way to this day. No amount of weight loss changed the fact that I was a fat bulimic.
So I’m done with it. You know what? I’d honestly rather be a fat binge eater or a fat compulsive overeater than a bulimic. Purging is officially off notice, even if I slip up and eat more than I’m confortable with, even if I gain weight, even if I really, really want to. I’m just so tired of this I’m willing to do anything, even gain weight, to have it be over with.
Now, all that being said if I really start getting out of control with binging regularly and not purging, I’m certain this newfound determination will melt faster than a snowball under a hairdryer. But a bit of weight gain, a bit of binging, these things no longer rise to the standard of being worth puking my guts out over. I’m sick of feeling so gross all the time, and I’m willing to deal with the consequences of not purging. Finally.
Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders
Well, today I had my appointments, and as usual on appointment days I’m kinda tired and don’t feel much like writing. Nothing too interesting, although I did discuss the “weight issue” with my nutritionist and we had a productive, if incomplete conversation. I talked about the idea of an upper limit, which she thought was a great idea and we both agreed that something like 130 would be a good place to put that boundary. The incomplete part was that setting this upper boundary is really just the beginning and in order for it to mean anything we need to talk a lot more about all the different things that might go on if I were to gain weight but not reach that ceiling where I’d start using eating disorder methods to lose weight at any cost again.
Obviously, that middle part is the hard part. We talked about it in a general way but no specifics, and I broached the idea of binging without purging- the idea that I ought to make binging something bad that I try my best to avoid while making purging something far more serious and off limits. I’m a long way from actually doing this, but as a theory I can see the sense to it, if I want to stop binging and purging and right now don’t see any distinction between the two acts- if I eat one bite more than I am supposed to I will always binge and if I binge I will always purge right now. Which makes perfectly following my meal plan (or restricting) the only way to avoid purging as long as I have this attitude.
The last thing she brought up was having a lower limit for my weight, similar to the upper limit. I was very uncomfortable even talking about this and she backed off and neither of us mentioned any numbers, but she said it was something we might want to discuss more later.
I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I feel like even mentioning a number might make me immediately want to reach that number and find out what happens. So it might not actually be a good thing to even talk about, especially since whatever number it was would be a significant way away from where I am right now, not a matter of a couple pounds or anything. So, probably the smarter thing would be to only start talking about that if I were to lose enough weight to make the conversation necessary, don’t you think? Otherwise the risk of my seeing it as something to strive for is too high in my opinion.
The other thing on that was that while I kinda freaked out and shut down the conversation when she brought it up I also took it as a compliment in a strange, eating disordered way. Anorexics might understand why… not sure other people will quite get it but it felt like she was complimenting me by saying she saw the potential for me to accidentally lose too much weight or something. As if just by mentioning the possibility that I might lose too much weight and need to do something about it she was saying what a special sort of person who was so wonderfully good at losing weight I was.
A wee bit eating disordered to take it that way, I suspect. Another indication that putting a number on that might be a bad idea, I’m thinking.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: creative writing, fiction, flash fiction, humor, religion, short story, story, writing
Creation of Life
By now you will have in place a firm foundation on which to create further. Your laws of physics, geology, climate and weather well in place, the next step will be the crucial one of introducting living organisms to your system. This will be the last step before the introduction of intelligent and sentient beings made in your own image. Whatever complex societies and civilization, art and culture, that springs forth from your creation will necessarily do so using the forms that you impose in the life creation phase, so care is of the utmost importance at this point in the process.
A brief note is necessary, however, to reassure those of you not inclined towards the creation of living beings that if your interests do not lie in this direction a stark and lifeless universe has its merits. Life is messy. It tends to infest things in a manner that a vocal minority of gods find gauche and unnatractive. By contrast, a lifeless universe can be a model of order and stark beauty which may rival or surpass the merits of universes that teem with slimy creatures and needy intelligences always demanding the attentions of their creator. Although most gods will want to leave behind the lifeless phase of creation there have always been examples of artistically minded deities that would rather spend eternity on variations of a theme, and we consider the commitment to such an undertaking quite admirable (although the gods in question seem to be quite unpleasant and anti-social personages in our estimation).
Assuming that you do wish to introduce biology to your system we suggest starting in an experimental area. The extent of such an area is up to you. It may be anything ranging from a small pool of water to a planet which you can later bombard with asteroids to sterilize it when you are ready to move on to the central focus of your creative efforts.
Once you have set aside this test bed we suggest that you start small, preferably with a single organism that can sustain itself indefinitely and which operates using the simplest chemistry to fuel and reproduce itself. The impatient deity, bored with such simplistic beings, may find himself rushing on to more complex organisms, plunking them down willy nilly and then needing to quickly come up with a sustainable ecosystem to support them. This will inevitably lead to niches left unfilled and another round of creation will be required to sustain the first, until instead of a world that conforms to your vision you’ll be left with a mess that may or may not be capable of functioning without your direct attention for more than 2 milliseconds.
When this happens don’t tell us that we failed to warn you.
of course, this is exactly why we suggested you start with a test area. A few large volcanic eruptions or the old standby of throwing a gigantic rock from space at your planet will rid you of the mess and allow you to proceed in an orderly and deliberate fashion, with very small and simple organisms just as we told you to the first time. The second time around we expect you’ll be far more pleased with the results, or else you’ll be worn out by all the work and decide to simply work around the mess you’ve created and just pretend you always intended things to come out that way.
A last note of caution, however. We have found that however much trouble you go to to ensure that the small experimental area of test life is entirely contained and vulnerable there are likely to be refugees from this test period that make their way into whatever new order you come up with afterwards. Life is oddly insistent in that way, hence the desire of some to avoid messing about with it in the first place.
