Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous, pro-ana, proana
Look, I know you’re probably not going to like this but today I’ve been taking a hard look at myself and my eating disorder and my recovery and I’m coming to the conclusion that I have made no real progress whatsoever towards health and sanity.
Let’s take a look at the facts. I’m still binging and purging more days than not, on average. I’m still not following through on the smallest of responsibilities much less larger goals like finding a job or being more self sufficient. I don’t go to meetings, I don’t have any friends, I don’t do anything with myself all day, I basically am a complete and total loser of a human being.
That might not be so bad if I could honestly say I think that things might change or get better, that I have plans or goals or dreams for myself, that I want to try to change this. I can’t say any of that. I don’t see myself living any differently. I don’t see myself becoming a functional adult human being. I still see the choice as being basically between being a barely functional drain on society on the one hand or going from crisis to crisis and relying on my family to care for me on the other.
Sometimes I can block these feelings out, ignore them, pretend that they’re a problem for another time. Sometimes I let my writing be enough, be proof that I am doing something I find satisfying and worthwhile, and regardless of how little else there is I tell myself at least I have that one thing.
There ought to be more to life than my small isolated existence, whether or not I binge and purge. Somehow I just can’t seem to break out of my trap, even in small ways, even just once in a while. It’s been such a long, long time since I felt I was moving forward. I can’t believe I had my parents spend all that money for treatment only to waste it, to come back and be the same as always.
What’s the point of trying to recover if there’s nothing on the other side waiting? Is there some point where I could please just be declared a hopeless case and be allowed to do all the things that dull the pain for a while?
All I’ve really accomplished is that now I’m 10 pounds fatter than I was back before I started all of this. I don’t care what you think, to me that doesn’t look much like progress.
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I fear there is too much emphasis on weight, and the anger of that clearly outweighs any bit of recovery you have actually accomplished. Because you have, even though you may not fel it or see it right now. It took years for me to realize I was recovered from bulimia, b/c the process was so slow.
Yoou’re hard on yourself, I know. But whether you see it or not, you are making progres in the right direction.
Comment by eshoe September 7, 2008 @ 11:15 pmWell, definitely your eating disorder posted today, not you. I like it better when YOU post.
Em
Comment by leftywritey September 8, 2008 @ 12:16 amI’m still pulling for you.
Comment by Kate September 8, 2008 @ 12:18 amdoes it count that you have helped out plenty of other people – me included – just by writing over the internet. imagine if you met people. just throwing it out there. =)
Comment by warrior September 8, 2008 @ 12:38 amDitto to warrior. You could argue that we are all “Cyber aquaintances” but you are the same to us too. I assure you I am very real, very alone and also feel that I am a drain on society. When i read your posts, sometimes you write things which i have been trying to phrase for years, but have been unable to, and it makes everything more bearable. If that is being a total loser, then there is little hope for the rest of humanity. Existential Crisis’ come hand in hand with mental illness. Like it or not, you are sick, with an illness which destroys self worth, and makes a person sabotage their own recovery. Its not your fault, and despite your lack of insight into your own value, you are a worthwhile person. Sorry to harp on, but sometimes we just need to be told when we are having grey days.
Comment by Lola Snow September 8, 2008 @ 5:06 amGood Thoughts
Lola x
Spot all all-or-nothing/perfectionist thinking going on here V
You can’t recover unless you want to and there’s something on the other side. Or alternately something so frightening about continuing that you don’t want to. Maybe your focus should be less on not b/p-ing each day, but more about finding meaning in your life – something to occupy and interest you.
Comment by Josie September 8, 2008 @ 9:11 amthanks everyone. i definitely needed to hear some of that.
to Josie- about finding something to occupy and interest me, that’s the real problem, i think. that whether due to depression, anxiety, eating disorder, or laziness i can’t seem to do anything in that area. it’s like i can’t do anything because i binge and purge, and i binge and purge because i’m not doing anything.
Comment by vive42 September 8, 2008 @ 11:23 amI’m going to shock you, tell you a true story, suggest you try something you won’t be able to believe, I could be so dense. Here goes, anyway. Brain chemistry and structure are contained in our body/mind. When it seemed all else failted, literally, Laura agreed to a series of shock treatments. The change was astounding. Did it cure everything from that day forward. Of course not. Did it help her move forward – yes.
Comment by NChe September 8, 2008 @ 4:45 pmI can see you sitting on the floor, cat in lap, shaking your head in disbelief that anyone would come up with a suggestion like maybe a consideration of a method or treatment not yet tried or thought of should be put on the table.
Now hear this. Your parents didn’t waste one penny on your efforts to move forward in your struggle. If you never moved an inch, which you did, not one penny would have been wasted. What better way to use money that in support of a loved one’s efforts.
I am not advocating that you should consider shock treatments. The idea came into my head and I tossed it out there.
Keep asking the hard questions. You always do. Stop thinking anyone wasted anything, money or otherwise, on you – If anyone thinks they have wasted money or whatever, I’m afraid I can’t relate to values such as that one.
You’ve accomplished a lot more than you credit yourself with, Vanessa. If you read your writing today versus a few months ago, it might be apparent to you. You are growing stronger. You just completed 7 days without a binge or purge. This is a hard and often long process.
Comment by Dawn Brockman September 8, 2008 @ 8:35 pmThere is so much we’ve yet to learn about the brain, about eating disorders.
I would still suggest talking to the very best of the best…Walter Kaye, Cynthia Bulik. They just might be able to recommend a way to help. They are researchers. I have been totally impressed by them.
And I am impressed by your determination and desire too.
Comment by anne September 8, 2008 @ 11:17 pmwoah woah woah… electric shocks, researchers…?!
Comment by Josie September 9, 2008 @ 7:22 amV has the ability to recover, she can do it. But it’s motivation and values that’s the issue here, not how difficult it is.
That’s just my opinion.
Josie,
An odd place to say, “hey”, but this is the only place where I see you lately.
How are you? Creating much lately?
Comment by Dawn Brockman September 9, 2008 @ 2:08 pmMan, that is harsh. I wish you hope in finding the other side.
Comment by Hugh September 10, 2008 @ 3:29 am