Comments on: this is never going to work.

By: Che

Che — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 01:29:58 +0000

I’ve been away a few days so am just tuning in again. I have a question – when you came back from Florida was there a strong comprehensive program in place in Cambridge to make it possible for you to continue your hard work of recovery. If not, did anyone dream that you would come home after two or less short months and be able to maintain and advance your recovery without a program. Maybe I don’t understand the situation? This looks to me like you were in intensive care, dismissed long before you were very far along in recovery and are now left stranded alone with a deadly medical condition. Now I’m going to go back to your most recent entry and respond from there.

By: vive42

vive42 — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 10:40:18 +0000

thanks everyone. yesterday was a bit better- but i restricted. so, on bad days i purge or fight the urge to purge all day and on good days i restrict. erg! anyways. still hanging in, at least somewhat. haven’t completely thrown in the towel yet but i’m not going to lie and say i’m not seriously considering it.

j bohlen- thanks! you’re very right, i need a sponsor. i had one back in the day and i need to find a new one asap. that is, if i don’t give up on the whole thing before i really even get started!

janesaid- thank you so much for your comment! i called the store again yesterday and spoke with the guy who caught me. he said he’s too busy to meet with me until thursday/friday but to drop by on one of those two days if i want to speak with him. i’m nervous and he didn’t sound thrilled to hear from me or anything, but it’s the right thing to do, i think, and i want to follow through with it.

By: janesaid

janesaid — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:15:01 +0000

Hey there.

I was websurfing something unrelated and a wordpress blog came up on the google search. It was your post “powerless.” You’re a very talented writer! It didn’t take me long to read all your recent posts on the right-hand column. They’re very engaging and honest in a way I haven’t come across in a long time.

Most of all, I’m writing in response to reading this and especially “amends.” I’m an english major, exercise bulimic (take a bite run a mile) always in recovery, who steals and wishes she didn’t. I haven’t been caught, but couldn’t *imagine* going back to the store to do what you’re going to do. Kudos to you!
Drop by sometime, if you’re of a mind to. I wish you well-
Janesaid

By: J Bohlen

J Bohlen — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:26:59 +0000

I can totally understand your feelings of frustration with your ed, the way all the work you put into fighting it all doesn’t seem to allow you any respite. All I can say for certian is that it gets easier, much easier.

Also, you might want to nab a sponsor if you don’t have one. You might already have one, but your feelings remind me of myself when I was trying to do it on my own.

By: Martha

Martha — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:36:11 +0000

It’s not stupid. Do you feel like you’re supposed to do all that stuff for yourself – to make everyone else happy? I used to feel guilty making other people suffer with my relapses, but then I realized they weren’t suffering. They just cared.
The other day I realized one thing, and decided something else: I realized I am incredibly strong. I decided I will accept whatever help is offered (that I consider helpful and want) because I am tired of being so strong.

You’re already not a failure, so don’t worry about being one. It’s that fear I hear coming through – have already said this, but it doesn’t hurt to hear again: fear of believing and having them pull the rug out from under you yet again. But this time you’re grown up and you have more say in the matter.

I’m getting ever closer to pulling the rug out from under me all by myself, because I decided I don’t like it. I want to see what happens when it’s gone, but I’m still scared, so I’m still just picturing it and how I’ll do it. No hurry. But I’m beginning to believe that saying which I don’t know how it goes, but: if you can dream it, you can achieve it.

There are always more possibilities, just waiting to be found. All that we’ve learned and seen thus far isn’t everything. But you can’t do it all at once. Maybe you’re still putting a lot of pressure on yourself? One thing/day at a time.

By: betty nurse

betty nurse — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:13:43 +0000

not stupid at all, but thats up to u…

By: vive42

vive42 — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 12:21:31 +0000

sorry to scare you, amanda!

this is one of those really bad catch-22 situations i think. if i believe i can’t do it, i can’t. even if i’m not sure but spend all my time scared to death of failing it ends up coming true. and every time i have a slip it just reinforces my belief that i can’t do this.

danny- why do you want me to recover so much? you aren’t even in recovery! why don’t you teach me how to not mind being eating disordered and not always be wanting to recover and then i can be happy.

the way i see it my biggest problem is that i can’t let go of my ed in recovery but i can’t let go of recovery in my ed.

By: amandahox

amandahox — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 02:15:46 +0000

this scares me, as i’m just starting my treatement, and i have no hope for myself whatsoever.. I must have been kidding myself to think it’ll get easyer as i go on with the treatement.
Stay strong alright? Like Hannah said, tomorrow is a new day, and, you won’t be the only one facing something hard.
Take care, keep hanging on!

By: Hannah

Hannah — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 22:27:13 +0000

No, not stupid. You can get tired of everything and you’ve been going through a lot. Tomorrow is a new day, it’s not over yet.

By: danny

danny — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 22:24:26 +0000

sweetie it’s not stupid! i think maybe if you had some part time work in something you were interested in then at least you would have something to focus on other than food/weight. i wish you were nearer to me and i could help you more with a hug and some words of support. love you loads! xxx