Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous
yesterday i absolutely lost it. i had my “last binge ever” 3 times in a row. i literally finished all my money, even the last $20 i promised myself i’d keep seperate.
i think it would be fair to say i’m feeling the stress of my upcoming departure.
today i’m cleaning up and packing. at 1pm my parents are picking me up and then i’ll be with them until 6am tomorrow morning when i leave for the airport.
needless to say, my blogging habits may have to change for a while. i’m bring my laptop to florida and they said i’d have internet access, but i can’t be sure if i really will or how long it will take me to figure out how to connect until i get there. i’m also giving myself a pass for two days on writing stories. if i think of one for tomorrow before bedtime then i’ll write, but i’m not going to beat myself up over it. and same with tomorrow, depending on what goes on i’ll either write or not write. then by tuesday i’ll write even if i have to use pencil and paper, depending on the internet situation.
i may write more today, but in case i don’t i want you all to know how amazing your support has been through this whole process. i’ll write about how the treatment program is going as soon as i can, hopefully i’ll have the internet working but if i do go quiet for a bit try not to despair in your missing my stories and updates on my life, ok?
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It is a lovely surprise to see a new story/message this morning, Vive! I didn’t think you would have time nor energy for writing.
Maybe there will be one more message today. If not, I hope you know it will be OK. And I do trust that you’ll be back in touch sometime in the future.
I’ll look forward to hearing about the people you meet, the spirit of the place, a space you find on the grounds or inside where you can sit and let go of thoughts using a mantra or conscious breathing, letting go and letting god. Perhaps you will bring your sketch book and do a rough sketch of that space.
I don’t know god in my mind but I do in my heart and in my experiences. I know it is hard to let go and let god when we have lots of rational reasons to think there isn’t one; certainly not a personal, down to earth one who partners with us in our struggles. For me, I meet god through the actions or behavior of a number of persons I come in contact with in my volunteer work, church, the LWV, etc, through the integrity, spirit and beauty in the children in my life now and earlier, and in the wisdom and beauty and passion in books, paintings, poems, etc. and at the sea. I meet God in myself sometimes and sometimes the devil has ascendancy in me. (I hope you know I use the word devil as a metaphor.)
If you send me an address in Florida I’ll write to you if we can’t use your blog or email address.
I am repeating the blessing I send you off with because I hope it will comfort you when you focus on the truth of it:
“Sometimes what seem to be the most awful things lead to the most awesome things. ‘May you meet on your journey awesome new friends, ideas, experiences, thoughts, and opportunities never yet imagined.’ ”
Blessed be, Vive, NChe
Comment by Che April 27, 2008 @ 1:15 pmFor if i don’t come here before you leave … GOOD LUCK!!!!!!
Don’t beat yourself up over the binge. If i was in your position i would be exactly thesame.
You’re gonna do great.
xxx
Comment by Josie April 27, 2008 @ 1:30 pmha, i’m not beating myself up over the binges. i just think it’s funny- at the time i was beating myself up in my head of course. but the hilarious thing is that i had three binges in a row that were all supposed to be the last one “ever”. in reality, none of them were probably the last ones “ever” but at least i’m going to be getting some of the help i so badly badly need. lol.
Comment by vive42 April 27, 2008 @ 1:49 pmMaybe losing it yesterday was just to reassure yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Binge = time for a change. And extra stress plus fear of the unknown makes most of us crazy. No need to beat yourself up over the binge, or future binges. You are doing the best you can. Good luck in this new chapter! I’m sure your higher power has some wonderful experiences in store for you.
Comment by Martha April 27, 2008 @ 1:55 pmOh! Our comments must have passed in the mail! It’s great if you can see the humor in it. And I wouldn’t bother to even THINK about the last binge ever. I couldn’t even tell you when my last one was. (Actually, I thought I had one last official one, cause it fit really well into the recovery story, then I saw there actually were a few more later on. Oh, well.) In the long run, it doesn’t matter. Just today: one day, one step at a time.
Comment by Martha April 27, 2008 @ 2:00 pmYes, all good wishes and good luck from me too!
Comment by Rents April 27, 2008 @ 7:55 pmVanessa,
I have been away from your blog for a few days. Wow. Someday I’ll tell you about my daughter’s last night. It was frightening. Truly.
I am glad that you are in the care of professionals now, Vanessa. You will get a good start there. None of us have illusions for perfection. But perfection is the goal that has brought all of us to this place to begin with. What we’re trying to abolish, ultimately, is the pursuit of perfection and the ability to accept ourselves and one another.
If you would like to exchange letters, Vanessa, while you are away, feel free to send me your address via email. I know that my daughter’s residential treatment facility did not allow letters from people who had not been pre-approved. Milestones may be different.
debrockman@aol.com
Take care and be well.
Comment by debrockman April 29, 2008 @ 1:25 pmLove,
Mrs. B.