Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, pro-ana, proana
so, i just heard from my dad. there’s a very nearby place that has an eating disorder program with residential and a spectrum of outpatient services.
i’m feeling more hopeful, just to have movement happening. i sortof would have liked to do more research about types of places and tried harder to look for a place that has a 12 step/spiritual approach (i suggested one in florida when i talked to my mom, for instance). but on the other hand, this place (as far as i can tell from their website) stresses DBT therapy which i’ve done some of in the past and found very helpful. so it might be good. no reason to be predjudiced against it just because its walking distance from my house and we haven’t looked at any other programs as alternatives, right?
to be completely honest, i think i feel relieved by the idea of going for an evaluation at the closest most easy place, at a place that might just offer me outpatient instead of just residential treatment, because it makes it soooo much more easy to get out of. do you even understand how easy it would be to blow this off if i have second thoughts? i’m not saying i’m going to do that. but i’ve been feeling so pressured and trapped lately- just the idea that i could do some lame outpatient program for a couple weeks, get the obligatory therapist/meds combination, and then go back to my eating disorder is comforting.
argh, i don’t know how to explain what i’m feeling. it’s not that i’m planning to downplay my problems and blow off treatment. it’s just that this particular program, this particular evaluation, definitely gives me the option. and even if i’m not going to follow through on the impulse to lie and cheat my way out of taking recovery seriously, knowing that i have the possibility of basically saying “ooops, i didn’t really mean i wanted to recover, my bad, go back to your lives, nothing to see here” makes me feel more in control of things.
(now you’re all going to yell at me. but i’m just saying what i’m feeling! i’m not saying i’m going to follow through on those feelings!)
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I am not going to yell at you at all. I think you’re moving forward is wonderful. Just take it one day at a time. One bite at a time. And give yourself the gift of time.
Comment by anne April 18, 2008 @ 1:45 amGood for you for saying how you feel. The more we express our feelings, the less power they have over us, I think.
Comment by Che April 18, 2008 @ 2:25 amanne is a wise woman – sorry, Vive, we are not going to yell at you.
If you investigate the program “up the street” it will be interesting to hear what you think of it.
It looks like anne was right that your parents needed a little time to think. It sounds like they are taking seriously your request for support.
Hurray for you and for them.
Being in ED treatment is actually a bitch. It was the worst experience of my life. I spent most of my 2006 in treatment. In and out of programs. But then, at some point… you realize that obsessing over your weight and calories is stupid. There are more important things to worry about.
Comment by Cristina April 18, 2008 @ 4:27 ami’ve done ed treatment before. it sucked ass. i expect it will suck again this time.
i wouldn’t be trying it again if i weren’t desperate. my life sucks bad enough that treatment is hardly a worse option.
Comment by vive42 April 18, 2008 @ 11:28 amThere is still a lot researchers are learning about ED’s. Programs aren’t perfect. Families aren’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. BUT, the best shot to get better is your desire (which I do believe you have even though doubts creep in–and that is certainly human too); full, regular nutrition without bingeing, purging or restricting for long enough that your body and brain physically begin to heal; and support to maintain these changes over time. When support ends too soon, backsliding can happen.
What I hear in Cristina’s note is anger. Maybe she did not get the full, steady regular supported nutrition that is essential for recovery (and the emotional support needed to maintain it) for long enough. This is only a guess as I don’t know her. One person’s story is not another’s. I am sorry, Cristina. Vive, you are doing an incredibly brave and courageous thing to move forward on turning your life around. You deserve a lot of credit for
Comment by anne April 18, 2008 @ 12:51 pmanne, thanks for “feeding” all of us with your positive spin on things. Nothing and no one is black or white, or perfect, as you said so well.
Comment by Che April 18, 2008 @ 4:33 pmAnne,
Comment by Mrs. B April 18, 2008 @ 6:18 pmGreat Advice.