Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous, pro-ana, proana
just got off the phone with my mom. i am so frustrated. this is just never going to work out, guys.
both my parents believe that all my problems are 100% biologically based. my mom described my eating disorder as being just like an addiction. so far so good, we pretty much agree.
the problem is this question of solutions. my mom is a scientist. she basically believes that illnesses should be treated with medications. my dad seems to feel the same way. and if, perchance, someone should have a disease that has not responded to any medication, or a disease that there are no known medications available for treatment?
well, apparently my parents think things are hopeless in that situation. my mom is “skeptical” about the idea of residential treatment programs. when i mention OA she brushes it off. despite equating eating disorder with addiction she doesn’t seem to agree that since AA is probably the best known treatment for alcoholism then OA is probably the best treatment for eating disorders.
my mom suggested maybe i could learn to live with some level of bulimia, as long as it wasn’t interfering with my life. if there’s no pill to fix it why bother trying?
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I am going to step out of my comfort zone. The best advice and hope I can give is that I believe full recovery IS possible and should be your goal. It can best happen when neither you nor your family feel “blamed” for this illness. You both need to feel supported through it. That is not to say there are never any “issues” in families and not to discount things that need to get “worked through”. No family is perfect. Not a one out there. But NO family is dysfunctional enough to be the sole cause of an eating disorder either. There has to be a genetic predisposition involved. I am going to pass on some links that I hope are helpful. I think the doubt I hear in your voice (and your parents’ via you) is weariness with this awful illness. You need good, qualified advice and a solid action plan to move forward. You need in person support. Please give these links to your family as they connect to information on “best practices”. And please tell them that many, many people DO recover. There is hope. The best indicator that you have great potential is your desire for wellness.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=337
http://feast-ed.org/professional_treatment_guidelines
The latter is geared to younger people and is under still under some degree of construction, but if your parents contacted the people on the site (other parents), they could help point the direction to help. Make sure they say your age so they know your not a minor. Also, the connections I suggested on an earlier post are good ones.
Comment by anne April 16, 2008 @ 5:33 pmFYI, the latest figures I have seen based on a very large twin study done in Sweden (for anorexia nervosa) say that 56% of the risk is genetic with the rest ‘environmental’. This is translated to mean that there must be a predisposition, but something in the environment sets it off. 56% is considered a “moderately heritable” genetic risk factor. I have also seen other figures that range for 56-80%, but I believe the best study done was the 56% one. I cannot recall recent studies or figures for bulimia, but I know they are out there and that there is also a genetic risk factor. It may not be as high as for anorexia, but don’t quote me on that. Neither is 100%, of that I am certain. But genetics do play a significant part.
Comment by anne April 16, 2008 @ 5:40 pmOh no
I understand how you’re feeling. My dad is a scientist, and can only ‘understand’ mental health problems in terms of “chemical imbalance”. It’s like banging your head against a brick wall if you step into the vague subjective territory of emotions.
Comment by Josie April 16, 2008 @ 5:41 pmI keep thinking of things.
Both bulimia and anorexia drastically interfere with life. Of course, you know this already all too well. I believe your mom at heart does too.
Maybe what you need to do is take this one step at a time. Find the best, most knowledgeable person you can. Sit down with them. Have them help you talk this out together. Have them be the “expert” to guide you through with information, a plan, be there to answer questions on all sides, etc. It sounds like right now you are trying very hard to “convince” your parents and to have all the answers when you don’t and when you yourself have a mixture of hope and doubts. You need that support person and finding that person should perhaps be the first step. Then, sitting down together–you and your parents with that “ED expert” person–would make good sense and you’d make progress. What do you think?
Also, maybe your parents just need a little time and space to absorb your request. You’ve been thinking about it for quite some time and I know you feel understandably urgent about it. From their perspective it may seem quite sudden.
Comment by anne April 16, 2008 @ 5:52 pmthanks for the resources anne, i’ll pass them on to my parents along with the other ones you’ve suggested.
i guess i should clarify that i don’t feel like the real problem was based in my “environment” meaning that my parents were the cause of my ed. what i really believe is that the root cause is completely irrelevant and what i need to do is deal with the problem as it is now, without re-hashing my past constantly. since i’ve already tried rehashing the past in therapy and it didn’t seem to help much what’s the point?
but, see, the thing is that i feel like my parents- possibly out of fear of being blamed, possibly just because my mom is a scientist- cling to the idea that the only legitimate scientific treatment for an illness is a medication. and if there is no appropriate medication then (apparently) you’re screwed. so i’m trying to ask them to look into eating disorders and educate themselves and then we can talk about the options and before they’ve even looked into the problem they’re saying “well, it looks like there’s no medication so you’re screwed and you should just try and live with it”.
and thats what i’ve BEEN doing, and my life is total HELL and i want to try something i haven’t tried before.
it wouldn’t even have to be residential treatment- if they looked into eating disorders and came back with something else and told me they would help me make appointments and do whatever this alternative was, then i’d be just as happy. my preliminary research suggests residential is the primary alternative i haven’t tried but what the hell, if they suggested something i hadn’t heard of (even, god forbid, maudsley) FINE.
but there’s no magic pill, and the frustrating thing is i’m so close to giving up all the time anyway, to hear from my mom anything that sounds like her saying i should just give up is devastating.
Comment by vive42 April 16, 2008 @ 7:13 pmAnne, I’m glad you came out of your comfort zone. Your thoughts on the subject ring true. It sounds like a hopeful plan to ask you parents to consult a professional in the Ed. field you both agree to and to set up a meeting to facilitate understanding among all of you. Anne’s idea sounds like the best hope. Maybe tell them the professional might help you as well as them understand about this health issue. Sometimes it is much less threatening if you tell the “other” that under the guidance of a professional you will listen and learn and hope they will listen and learn and you’ll all come out a little further ahead. If you are too exhausted and hurt to struggle with them anymore, for awhile at least, is there a way I can help you? What are your ideas. Lets pretend your parents drowned in the rapids. Now what do you do? I’ll help you in any way I can. You are not alone. Please, if any others of you out there know of places or people to turn to, let Vive know. As one part of the support you need, could you go to OA again. If you want to go is there some way I can help you get there?
Comment by Che April 16, 2008 @ 7:19 pmNChe
Vive, I should have read your response to Anne more carefully.
Comment by Che April 16, 2008 @ 7:26 pmCould you please email what you said to Anne to your parents. Let them react to it as they may, but have it in print in front of them.
NChe
Anne,
My husband is a doctor and I’m a Business Major. As much as we both would have liked some kind of analytical fix, an ED is crazy complicated. It is physical and genetic, emotional, psychological and sometimes even trauma induced. It is a complicated mix of things and the blame thing is completely dysfunctional. But improved family dynamics can HELP.
If your mother would be at all open to an email conversation with another mother, who could tell her about our experience with a residential program, please have her write to me or if she is open to me writing her, I’d be happy to offer that as well.
debrockman@aol.com
You CAN get better. Living with some level of an eating disorder means you are living with increased mental disorder and a constant risk of death from a rupture of your esophagus. You deserve better than that.
Comment by Mrs. B April 16, 2008 @ 10:56 pmVanessa….I can’t believe I called you Anne. I was reading Anne’s comments while I was typing.
Comment by Mrs. B April 16, 2008 @ 11:01 pmsorry!
Just thought of something else, V. The Remuda Ranch website has some good research on outcomes that your mom, as a scientist might be interested in.
Comment by Mrs. B April 16, 2008 @ 11:30 pmWhat I found when I went searching for help for my daughter (who was much younger than you) was that there are a variety of approaches out there. I should add as a reminder that my daughter suffered from anorexia, not bulimia, and there are some differences both in terms of your age and the type of ED in the way one would treat it from what I know. What I found in my daughter’s case is that people use a variety of approaches in ED treatment based often on their own understanding of the illness. Often adequate research as to effectiveness is either lacking or not overly convincing. That’s the bad part. None of this was stated up front to me and I had to dig to find it out. I believe there is much more solid evidence to say that medications do help much more with bulimia, but “best treatment” combines this with talk therapy help often in the form of cognitive behavioral therapy (which has very solid research behind it). Nothing is 100% effective and research is ongoing. So, having been the long haul with my own daughter, if I had to say what helped for us, I’d say: full, supported nutrition, TIME, ongoing supported therapy to help with her anxiety and MORE TIME. Medications were of some assist with anxiety, but only short term. With full, consistent nutrition, her anxiety lessened and she ‘came back’. Each person’s story and path are different. There is no ‘one way only’. There are ‘better ways’ for sure. If God gave me another family member to help get over an ED, I would contact the best people I could in the field and ask them my questions. They are amazingly kind and responsive.
Comment by anne April 16, 2008 @ 11:59 pmDitto to everything that Anne said.
Comment by Mrs. B April 17, 2008 @ 12:07 amWith bulimia, the full supported nutrition, and complete monitoring to ensure there is no purging helps break the cycle. In either case, full, supported nutrition is critical….as are all of the other components.
I should also add that, while my daughter suffered from anorexia, my sister suffered from anorexia/bulimia at the same age. I do believe in the part genetics plays.
Comment by anne April 17, 2008 @ 12:57 ami’ve never been bulimic before. i started out as a compulsive overeater, then i lost 120 pounds by restricting only, no purging. then i tried to recover and ended up overeating again, then restricted, tried IP treatment, started overeating, went back to restricting, tried IP treatment and then OA- but this is the first time i’ve been bulimic.
i think its very common for those of us who are older and resistant to treatment to not have just one simple form of ED but instead to go back and forth between them. thats part of the reason why i think something like residential might be necessary, because my ed seems so changeable and intractable.
about everyones suggestions re: my parents, i’m giving it a lot of thought but i’m not sure what i should really say to them or if i should give them time to research things or what. i’ll need to think more about it i think.
Comment by vive42 April 17, 2008 @ 1:22 amVanessa,
Comment by Mrs. B April 17, 2008 @ 1:46 amYou seem to be thinking very clearly. I am sure you know how best to handle this. Just know that I am here if you need me.
I second Mrs. B.
Trust your heart, Vanessa. You do need to follow your own rules, your own heart in the end. I sense that basically you have a lot of wisdom and you give things a lot of thought from all angles. I think all ED’s are likely inter-related. And, if your gut is telling you that you need the safety of residential, then I’d listen to it.
Comment by anne April 17, 2008 @ 2:59 am