Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, pro-ana, proana
when i was with annie, she told me that if i wanted to be with her i had to give up my ed. and i told her it was an easy choice- and when i said it i meant it. but that was before i’d ever tried giving up my anorexia (this was before i became ragingly bulimic like i am right now). it turned out to be easier said than done.
when i was with marie, she never asked me to give up my ed. but when we were having problems, a little while before she broke things off, she told me “you want to starve to death more than you want to be with me” and i couln’t say a thing. because it was true. my ed and my depression were huge and my relationship with her was tiny when seen in comparison with my relationship with food.
these past few days i’ve been full on back to my old habits, no pretense of meals, all puking all the time. i was slipping big time, but seeing my weight was a huge trigger and since then i haven’t had a meal i didn’t puke.
now, i’ve been really excited to finally have a bit of my creative writing ability back. and i ought to know from experience that i’ll lose that ability as quickly as i regained it. so the question in my mind is: do i want to starve to death more than i want to be able to write beautiful stories? do i want to lose 10 pounds more than i want to be able to think clearly and write well?
it ought to be an easy answer, huh?
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Vanessa, the choice will get harder and harder if you continue to starve yourself. I have really enjoyed getting to know the “real” you. The thinking and creating you. Please don’t let yourself drown in this. Please let your next step be for life.
Comment by Mrs. B March 25, 2008 @ 3:05 amMrs B is right. And the more you recover, the easier the choice will be. I had the same choice, though i didn’t think about it. And from this side it’s obvious which to choose.
Comment by Josie March 25, 2008 @ 9:40 amYou did not (back then) love those ladies more than you loved your eating disorder, but, if you now can make yourself love your brain (your mind and thoughts and exceptional artistic intelligence; your true self) more than your eating disorder, the day will follow when you’ll be also able to love another person like you love yourself, which is; more than your ed.
This is the only right order; you fight to save you for yourself, not for anyone else.
You can do it.
Combining MamaV’s “occultist quotation” and the story of the short straw, I would say most of us with eating disorder, yes, have a reason to be mad at circumstances and people we did not choose into our lives, but, we also tend to think we actually have voluntarily and willingly chosen to draw the short straw in our families, among the people and circumstances we did not choose. We do choose the role of the guilt goat and the sufferer and the criminal (what ever needed) when the circumstances and people around us require one, because it’s easier for us to carry the load, than to see mom or sister or brother do it. And yet we are mad, mad at the circumstances and the people and everything, because the load is so unbearable. … And it truly is unbearable, and meant to be carried together, not alone! Eating disorder is always a family disease, something that has gone wrong in the family BEFORE the actual illness outcrops.
Your rain story was a brilliant belletristic portrait of the indisposition of the western countries. When forces of nature and poverty no more torments us we turn inwards and seek for the balancing pain from their “in order to be able enjoy” the abundance and freedom and safety. And I’m not saying we do that consciously, but apparently the system (human beings being part of it) here on earth is dependent on a balance between sorrow and joy; almost as if the other disappeared with the other, and probably it does, both ways. … But again, the balancing pain needs to be divided equally, don’t accept more of it than is your share!
Comment by valid-i March 25, 2008 @ 9:43 amvalid-i, i fixed your typo. you totally picked up on what i was imagining in my rain story, which was the way people watch all this horror on TV and in the movies, while they spend their lives avoiding real pain in the world.
i think it’s complicated though. with annie, i really thought i did love her more than my ed. but when push came to shove i found excuses for myself and lied to her and ruined the relatiosnhip.
its the same way right now. in theory i can tell you i understand that going back to starving will make my gifts dry right back up. and in theory i can say how it’s not worth it to pay that price for the chance to be miserable and risk my life. but the way things really work with an ed is that every day i find excuses and reasons it doesnt matter and reasons why one day won’t make a difference… and then one day you look around and realize you had the choice and you chose wrong, and you don’t understand why.
Comment by vive42 March 25, 2008 @ 11:19 amVanessa,
Hang in here with us. Think of us when you feel like you are losing control. Use the tools that you have learned in OA. Your life is worth it. The farther you get from the ED behaviors, the clearer your thinking will get and the better you will feel. Just DO WHATEVER YOU CAN to avoid the ED behaviors. Day by day you will find more strength. And don’t let a misstep turn your wheel. Just stop, correct course and keep moving forward.
Comment by Mrs. B March 25, 2008 @ 12:22 pmAbout ”Annie”
Actually I believe you loved her more than your ed, but eating disorders just are such that it’s hard to discern the moments when they are a choice from the moments when they are anything but a choice, and these moments can vary day by day, even hour by hour. Also Annie must have loved you a lot, if she wanted you to choose, but sadly she just happened to pick a wrong moment for her demand, the moment when your ed probably was your master, not a lover you could have left.
I understand what you are saying about the excuses and reasons, thus save up our “push forwards” messages for the moments your ed is a choice, and you actually have a chance to push little further on the road of recovery.
Comment by valid-i March 25, 2008 @ 4:44 pm