Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous, pro-ana, proana
this is something i need to be reminded of way way WAY more often. preferably before i step on it.
here’s the trap:
there are 3 possible scenarios. your weight could be up, down, or it could have stayed the same. if you have an eating disorder then whichever of these turns out to be true you end up losing.
scenario 1: you have gained weight. ohmigod ohmigod i am gaining. i am going to die. this is awful. i’m going to gain 10 million pounds more if i don’t get this under control.
these thoughts lead to trying to control your intake by restricting more, or they lead to feeling like it’s hopeless and binging. but it definitely doesn’t help you to eat in a moderate and sane manner that will maintain a healthy weight.
scenario 2: your weight is the same as the last time you weighed. ohmigod i am the fattest most disgusting thing in the world. i am so fat and gross. what’s wrong with me? this is unacceptable. i need to get serious. result? binge, purge, or restrict.
scenario 3: weight loss. weight loss should be good, right? HA! not if you’re me, at least. weight loss is probably the most triggering result possible. ha. finally i’m on track. finally i’m doing something right. i need to step it up. i need to eat less, excersize more, really get serious. don’t fuck up now, fatso. don’t you dare fuck this up. you have at least 10 more pounds to go. result? all together now! binge, purge, or restrict. you can’t WIN this game, dummy.
i just stepped on the scale. no need to report which scenario it was since every result leads in the same direction. i just wish i would remember this vital information BEFORE i do it, next time.
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Vanessa, let me tell you this. To me the F word is like a dagger in my heart. Now. Listen. Get RID OF THE EFFIN SCALE!!!!! THROW IT IN THE TRASH TODAY!!! Don’t let anyone weigh you again. It is liberating as all get out. You are a liberated woman. FREE yourself. (And go to your meeting on Sunday.
I Love You! All of you! You wacky, leftist, cranky, creative genious, you!
Comment by Mrs. B March 22, 2008 @ 4:26 amMrs. B.
Seconding Mrs B … or, knowing how hard it is to chuck the scale (i couldn’t do it) – write what you’ve written here and stick it on the scale (preferably with spikes sticking upwards so that you really have to think about whether you wanna stand on it!!!).
I now weigh once a month. The day after my period ends, in the morning, naked, and before breakfast – then there’s no annoying water/food weight to confuse things. I’ve actually been within the same 2lb weight-range for nearly a year now *gasp*
Comment by Josie March 22, 2008 @ 10:07 amI wonder if one reason of eating disorders could be too big EGO? I mean, we all know that noone actually cares about, how we look. Even the ones that love us, don´t care much about how we look, as long as we are looking healthy, so that they don´t have to worry about us. I´m sure that my husband wouldn´t even notice if I would gain or lose a pound or five (or maybe I have, I haven´t got a scale). So, if we look it that way, these people think that the whole world is spinning around them and that fore some wicked reason someone cares about how fat they are? Or has it nothing to do with other peoples opinions and it´s all in the head of that wish-to-be-thinny girl?
Comment by Rents March 22, 2008 @ 11:12 amI know, it sounds hursh, but it´s just a curiosity, I have always wandered about these things.
Hi Vanessa,
Oh the devil scale. Its never good news! I don’t have one in my appartment, thank God cause I’d be stepping on it all day. There is one at home though…and I do weigh the odd time. The thing with me is I don’t believe scales! don’t trust them. I get on and off about 10 times- weigh and weigh and weigh. I go by my clothes, by how I feel or my hip bones. Thing is clothes go baggy, stretch or shrink, so I can never be sure. Fucking hell, my noggin is wrecked.
Devil weight!
Lily xxx
Comment by Lily March 22, 2008 @ 2:08 pmi agree, rents. i think ego has a lot to do with it. i think there’s a fine line to walk with eds and every form of mental illness. i think on the one hand you have to realistically recognize the negative personal qualities that go along with mental illness, things like selfishness and innatention to others’ feelings and, yes, ego with people who have eds. and you have to challenge people, sometimes, to see themselves for what they are rather than as a tragic hero or heroine.
but on the other hand, it’s very chicken and egg, and i believe that a lot of the negative qualities are also symptoms and not under the control of the person suffering. with depression, especially, depressed people can be very selfish and irresponsible and hard to deal with, but they’re having a worse time than the people around them ever could and if they could be better they would be. people with eds are similar, most of the time.
Comment by vive42 March 22, 2008 @ 2:08 pmVanessa,
You have been sounding so cogent lately. Your brain must be very happy you are feeding it sometimes now. I love hearing what you have to say. You don’t even sound mad most of the time, anymore. And your STORIES are amazing!!
Lily, you are so right. If you get on two different scales they don’t even say the same thing. They are just lyin sons of b’s.
Josie. That sounds like a good plan. With some scientific reliability.
Comment by Mrs. B March 22, 2008 @ 2:18 pmlily- i’m usually the same as you, stepping on and off the scale over and over many times in a row and going back to do that many times in a day. lately i’ve been trying really hard to give it up, and i have cut down to once every few days which is a huuuuge improvement. but when i do give in it never helps anything- even when it is “good” news my brain doesn’t interpret it as good.
josie- i’m definitely not in a place to give it up completely right now. but maybe putting a note on it would help, and maybe in a little while i could manage to put it away in a closet instead of having it under my bed (which is itself an improvement from having it out in the open like it was before).
i maintained my weight within 5 pounds for a most of a year and it was amazingly awesomely wonderful to find my weight was less and less of an issue as i came to trust it to stay put.
mrs b- thanks for noticing the change. it’s a little embarassing to have it so clear out there for all to see through my writing. having my creativity come back has been the most important thing though- i think even before i could come off as intelligent (albeit angry). its only in retrospect i think people notice how much was missing! but the creative writing ability was gone without a trace.
i can’t make my meeting this week though. i’m running out of money and can’t afford the subway this week or next week. if it’s warm tomorrow i can walk, though, so i’ll at least check the weather before giving up completely.
Comment by vive42 March 22, 2008 @ 4:17 pmI’ll pray for bright sunshine.
Comment by Mrs. B March 22, 2008 @ 9:43 pmI’m not sure the scale is evil. I rather think unbidden thoughts and living in a culture that conditions ideas about the meaning of body weight are EVIL.
Comment by Che March 23, 2008 @ 3:08 amSomeone said to me recently, “at least you don’t mind being fat”. I hate being fat I informed my friend, my eyes welling up.
Then I go back to the reality that I’m OK, whatever the weight. I say, partially comforting myself, “these arms may be fat but they’ve given hugs when hugs are needed and these pudgy hands have done a lot of work that I believe to be a positive contribution, and on and on I go. However, with all the self talk, I do hate being fat. Oh, how gorgeous I would be if I were thin, I say to myself. Then I remember I am gorgeous right now.
It’s a hard painful issue, this weight issue in our culture.
We’ll both keep trying to get it right – the thoughts, that is, not the weight. There is no right weight. Damn the cultural stigma.
I’ve just been told it’s after 11:00, translation:
Come to bed now. Tired, I think I will.