Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, pro-ana, proana
i’m turning 30. i’m seeing my parents for a movie and dinner out. and then hopefully i’m home again and don’t have to see them for a while.
they keep pushing to see more of me. i keep putting them off and making excuses. i think the problem is that they’ve decided we have a good relationship because i haven’t given them any trouble for a while, no fights or crying. i, on the other hand, have tried to avoid and lie to them as much as possible.
this is a longstanding tradition between my parents and myself. they are clearly happiest when i lie and avoid them. they’re nicer to me, more understanding, more concerned. but the catch 22 is that every time i have tried to reciprocate by talking to them more openly and seeing more of them our relationship goes downhill fast and the fights and crying start up again.
i wish they could just admit to themselves that they don’t want to know. i wish they wouldn’t ask how i am, forcing me to lie. i wish they wouldn’t ask if i need anything or after a crisis claim that i could have come to them. whenever i have come to them it has been way more trouble than it was worth.
i don’t even care about the dinner out. i just want it to be over with. and then i’m going to take my birthday money and buy some binge food and throw it up.
i have to ask myself, honestly, what is the difference between being “in recovery” and not? the only difference i can see is my weight is way up and i’m more unhappy. i’m still b/ping, i’m still depressed, so what on earth is the point?
i wish i could have a hope-ectomy. if i could just have the part of me that has too much hope to continue with my ed forever removed, then i could relax and let nature take its course. sure, it might mean me dying, but this kind of life isn’t much improvement from where i’m sitting.
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The difference between “in recovery” and out – being in recovery is potentially leading you to a different place. Staying sick is going to lead to a decline in your physical and mental health, and potentially will end in death. With being in recovery, there’s a chance that you will make a better life for yourself, in every way possible.
Comment by Josie March 20, 2008 @ 6:43 pmThe beginning is tough, so so tough, i know. I’ve been there. But then there’s a gradual climb, or sudden ‘lightbulb moments’ and it makes sense, and you realise you’re going somewhere awesome. Life goes from greyscale to multicoloured, and hey the colours are overwhelming, and some colours you can’t bear, but it’s better.
From my own experience i can say i am SO glad i went through recovery. Life is full of crazy ups and downs now, an emotional rollercoaster, but i know that that’s better than the monotony of the ED. There’s nothing that makes me want to go back now. ED is part of my past, and it was a coping mechanism, a shit one, nothing more, not me.
Take a look at this http://josies-art.livejournal.com/2582.html Take a glance at the first few, and then scroll straight to the bottom and look at the last two (there’s some potentially-triggering photos in the bottom-middle you might want to skip over!). The last two are from my recovery, when things really started going well. You can get there too.
Hi Vanessa,
Just read your post. I can’t follow what Josie wrote, its perfect.
“the ed is a coping mechanism, a shit one, nothing more, not me”
That opens my eyes a bit, I hope it does yours too. This ed we struggle with every day is not us.
I know that life is better in recovery than stuck in ed obsession. I know it is cause I’ve had tastes of it. You have too, remember back to when you got some relief from it in OA.
Recovery is harder than staying in addiction at first. But then it gets easier and easier and eventually it would be harder to go back.
Lily xxx
Comment by Lily March 20, 2008 @ 7:24 pmThe biggest difference between being in recovery and not being in recovery IS hope. You are doing a very brave and not easy thing, Vanessa. You have given your own self a tiny piece of hope. That hope will grow and flower, little by little, one bite after another, one day after another as you nourish it. As you feed and take care of your own body and soul. There is a beautiful Native American story that I love. It is posted on my refrigerator. I am going to share it with you because it speaks about how to take care of oneself. And, as you give yourself hope, you will give your family hope too. You might even find you enjoy a dinner with out with them sometine. Now wouldn’t that be something?
TWO WOLVES STORY
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, ” My son, the battle is between two “Wolves” inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, hope, love, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Comment by anne March 20, 2008 @ 11:07 pmI was given a copy of the Cherokee Wolves story some time ago. I read it over and over. I find it hard to change my old patterns of thought, thus the re-reading.
Comment by Che March 24, 2008 @ 9:26 pmI don’t know if you go back and check new comments. Some few entries ago, I said, you, Vive, are more than your disorder. I remind Laura of the same often. Precious Vanessa, precious Laura. I tell parents when I’m teaching the Family to Family course, to remind their loved ones with one or another disorder, that they are more than their disorder.
I know you as way more than that. I know you as a powerful, creative writer for one thing.
Between you and me and your caring Blog friends, your Dad can be aggravating. I get into scuffles with him in our book group. Maybe he is more than his blind spots or limitations, as well.
However, don’t be hard on yourself, if you feel less hurt by avoiding your parents. Or, when you are together, tell them like it is when one or another of them say something hurtful. Laura would always say to me when I would try and minimize what was happening to her, “mama, I know it is too painful for you to admit I have an illness that is not going away. No, a walk in the sunlight will not chase my symptoms away, mom.”
You will be happy to know that she, with better medication, is having moments of peace and even joy sometimes.
Remember, Ms. Vive, you are more than your disorder, you are more than your weight.
Fondly, Ms. Che
Vive – you are also one helluva writer. I’d come up with some silly poem featuring numbers to demonstrate my point, but the I’d have to bow to the greatest number poet I’ve ever read.
Seriously.
Comment by hutchmo March 26, 2008 @ 5:38 amlol. yes, well, even i can’t put together a decent number poem anymore. but if the mood ever strikes me to create one in the future i’ll be sure to slap it up here, just for you
Comment by vive42 March 27, 2008 @ 11:54 am