Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous, pro-ana, proana
but it does. it’s not so much what my dad said as the fact that it was my dad saying it.
so, i mentioned to my parents over the phone that i’ve started back at my sunday morning OA meeting (because i wanted them to stop calling me every sunday morning and do it in the evening instead). to understand why what my dad replied was so weird and fucked up you first have to know that the last time i saw my parents both of them made comments about how i was getting too skinny and losing too much weight. they know about the past bouts with anorexia and bulimia, and they know i’m back in it now.
so. what my dad said was this: “oh good. i think probably even more important than keeping your weight down its just nice that you’ll see people and have the social aspect.”
can we repeat that? yes, lets. part one: more important than keeping my weight down, he says. in other words, no matter how much i struggle with anorexia or bulimia, to my dad the real problem is always that i not become fat. am i over interpreting? maybe. but he really really doesn’t like fat people, and gave me shit about my weight throughout my childhood. also, he is a total fitness freak, obsessed with his own weight. so i think the comment about keeping my weight down is telling.
part two of the statement- basically he’s saying oh, it’s nice that poor socially stunted vanessa will have some friends. her eating disorder isn’t so serious, but she sure is pathetic what with her having no social life, and if this is a way for her to have friends, thats nice.
the most important thing wouldn’t be, say, that i won’t die of starvation or a heart attack from anorexia/bulimia? nope. the most important thing is that i’ve found some little friends. and the second most important thing is to keep my weight down.
well, fuck it. i know i say fuck it a lot and change my mind, and i’m not promising this particular fuck it isn’t exactly the same, but still. FUCK it. i don’t need friends and if the important thing is to keep my weight down then i know how to do that. i am so fucking over recovery. it was a bad idea from the start. all its gotten me is weight gain. screw it. i’m better off dead than fat anyway.
as of today, recovery is on hiatus and i’m not even going to try.
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Vaness,
So we know that your father is clueless. I’m really sorry. But you know that recovery is partially about separating yourself from the need from his approval so that you can be healthy and have a LIFE.
My dad keeps saying idiotic things about my daughter and we’re finding ourselves needing to separate from that.
Don’t give up on recovery….maybe give up on your DAD for awhile.
Sigh. Mrs. B.
Comment by Mrs. B March 17, 2008 @ 3:01 pmSo V, lets imagine that you did interpret your dads comment correctly – are you going to bend over and react in the way that he wants you to, aka not recover?? Is that what the strong amazing woman i know should do? I don’t think so.
Ultimately you want to prove your dad wrong, whatever his priorities. Ultimately you don’t want to be bulimic, anorexic OR overweight, and you want to show that you’re a worthwhile person in your own right. So you’re to keep going to OA, keep working on recovery (but not fattening yourself), and build up your non-EDed life – your writing for starters.
Don’t let a little comment throw you off course.
If you do it, i’ll do it too. I had a couple of comments today, and if i react to them it would mean me quitting college and spiralling completely off the rails. We’re gonna stay strong against this V.
xxxx
Comment by Josie March 17, 2008 @ 3:37 pmYea, I know that particular “Fuck-It” quite well – for me it goes along with “well I’ll only fail anyway, so why try?” and “everyone hates me, so why should I give a shit” and “I’m so fucking unique – I’m absolutly the worst person there is”.
Comment by Del March 17, 2008 @ 6:08 pmWhat my particular recovery shows me is that others opinions of me are no concern of mine. What I try to do now is a different “Fuck-it” – this one goes:
“Fuck it – I’m just going to get on with my recovery and and I don’t give a shit what (whoever) thinks”
thanks everyone.
this was one of those temper tantrums that go against every standard i try and hold myself to. my dad saying something dumb should never be an excuse to give up on recovery “forever”.
but, also, i do know and alluded to in this post that when i give up on recovery “forever” forever doesn’t seem to last all that long. so in this case i’m still in a very weight-loss oriented frame of mind, and i’ve b/ped a bunch of times today, but i’m starting to laugh at myself and my temper tantrums, and i suspect this one will last at most the rest of today, maybe not even that long.
because, well, getting back at my dad really isn’t reason enough to keep on killing myself. its the kind of ridiculously overdramatic reaction that might be acceptable if i was, say, 14. but for someone who is turning 30 on friday it’s a bit less, er, cute. (for lack of a better word).
so anyways, i’m not quite back to my recovery frame of mind. i still feel like losing weight is vitally important and like losing as much as i can before i see my dad on friday ought to be a priority. but the idiocy is fading- slowly, but fading.
Comment by vive42 March 17, 2008 @ 7:47 pmWe parents can be total butts, sometimes. I feel like I was a jerk to my daughter this a.m.
She got a speeding ticket 2 days before starting her residential treatment, which we just mishandled.
Well, two days ago, I got a notice that her license would be suspended because we did not show up in court (because she was residential). Yikes.
So I found out that if she paid the ticket in one town and then went to the “big city” nearby and visited the suspended license center prior to Wednesday, she would keep her license. She needs her license for IOP and so that she can work.
So basically, she had today and tomorrow to get it done.
I woke her early this morning thinking that she would go early and pay the ticket today before IOP and then tomorrow she could go downtown and sit in the suspended license office and wait….cuz I hear it’s a wait.
But she decided that she would do ALL of it tomorrow instead and slept in this morning. I told her that I thought she was irresponsible and immature (which she has been lately) and I kind of made a scene, which I now regret.
Parents are definitely not always perfect, Vanessa, we’re human and distinctly imperfect.
Comment by Mrs. B March 17, 2008 @ 8:41 pmSigh,
Mrs. B.
V – i’m very glad this was in the “heat of the moment”. There’s a level of immaturity about being impulsive and trying to prove things to people, but don’t beat yourself up over it – it’s only human. Maybe i’m only saying this to make myself feel better about doing it all the time. If (for example) someone says something really trivialising about my problems the thought jumps into my mind “maybe i should take a huge fucking OD right now” and stupid stuff like that. I think it’s okay just as long as we recognise these thoughts as being irrational and emotive, and resolve them, by spewing them in a helpful way (like blogging), and then overcoming them (like getting back on recovery-track).
And don’t beat yourself up for b/p-ing either. If i were in your position i’d be doing it too!
*HUG* xxx
Comment by Josie March 17, 2008 @ 11:12 pmhey sweetie. just chasing after you to check up on how you are. we’re all missing you loads and loads and loads. we need your words of wisdom! you dont have to feel obliged to support people, we’re here to support you! anyways, feel free to e-mail me if you’re not up for the land of hotter.
Comment by danny March 18, 2008 @ 6:01 pmtake care
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Wow. I’m sorry about your dad. He’s a jerk. And those Maudsley parents try to deny the importance of family dynamics. They suck. The best revenge on your dad would be recovering. Don’t give up!
Comment by blah March 18, 2008 @ 8:54 pmhey danny, i’m sorry i’ve deserted hotter. but i just couldn’t handle it anymore. i’m trying recovery and i need space to quiet my head down.
i hope i’ll be back sometime! i miss you all!
Comment by vive42 March 19, 2008 @ 4:21 pm