Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous
the good news is, i made it through yesterday and that meant two days in a row of no ed behaviors. which i have to remind myself is a BIG deal, because putting two days in a row like that together hasn’t happened yet and i was really tempted to binge out of control last night, to have my dinner become a night long binge. and i didn’t let it happen, and that’s really really good for me.
but today i have b/ped already. and let’s be honest here: i tried praying and tried not to b/p in the first place, but now that it’s happened the odds of salvaging the rest of today are slim to none. translation- i’m writing this in between the first b/p and the second, and i hope 2 is all but it may even get worse. ugh.
i hate bulimia. its really gross. i can still see redeeming qualities to my anorexic days, but this sticking my fingers down my throat crap is really yucky.
ho hum. perhaps today can be the anomaly and tomorrow will be different? perhaps i should have gone to that OA meeting yesterday? perhaps i should get my ass to the sunday meeting, regardless of how many times i screw up? yes, that sounds right.
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Hi Vanessa,
At least you managed two days of no ed behaviours- I can’t even get a morning.
How are you doing it? I go to OA (not enough) and I ‘commit’ to recovery and I say a prayer, and then…I go binge and purge. Its like my word means nothing,
Lily xx
Comment by Lily March 12, 2008 @ 6:40 pmHey V, there’s a whole lot of black-and-white thinking going on here which i think you need to sort. There’s the in-recovery-vs-not-in-recovery, and there’s the success-vs-failure and there’s went-to-meeting-vs-didn’t-go-to-meeting. You need some gray areas my love, otherwise you’re in danger of “failing” too much and giving up.
You know it’s unrealistic to have too many “good days” (well done for your two!!), but it’s important that you can pick yourself up straight after a b/p and salvage the day.
The recommendation in my bulimia book is to divide the day into sections, and for each section have “success” and “failure”, and you can add up the number of successes and failures in the day to see if you succeeded – like today would be more of a success if you salvaged it.
Good luck!!! xxx
Comment by Josie March 12, 2008 @ 6:58 pmJosie,
You are smart as hell. And that is great advice. Vanessa, you have been through tons of therapy. You understand all or nothing thinking, and babe, you are definitely an all or nothing thinker.
Try thinking in terms of mistakes rather than failures. Mistakes are correctable. You just start with your next behavior.
Two days is a lot of success. Six meals of success or so? That’s really great. You know that it is.
Comment by Mrs. B March 12, 2008 @ 7:06 pmthanks to all three of you. i’m really greatful to find out that i’m even capable of doing 2 days in a row, or 6 meals as you pointed out, mrs b. in answer to your question, lily, the real answer is that i don’t really know how i did it. i can say that my best advice is that if you want to change you need to keep trying different things until you hit on something that works, and then try to expand on it.
for me, what works is to have a solid plan and a desire to follow it through just for one day. this morning, to be honest, i didn’t really want to follow my plan. i wanted to b/p as a reward for being “good” two days in a row.
but, back to the plan thing. for me that means i know in advance what times of day my meals should be (10am, 2pm, 6pm) and i plan out what they will be in advance, either that morning or the night before. and i then i ask for help from my higher power to follow my plan, and i keep asking throughout the day, especially before meal times or when i feel i want to binge.
when i’m serious (unlike today) i commit myself to doing all i can to follow through with my plan. so that means i obligate myself to using every tool at my disposal (OA tools or otherwise) to try and make sure i follow through. and i know that if i’ve done everything in my power and still binge, well, its in god’s hands and not something to beat myself up over, because i have a disease and i can’t expect to be cured of it overnight.
Comment by vive42 March 12, 2008 @ 10:19 pmV – it sounds like you’re going about things in a really realistic and positive way. Just as long as you notice when you do slip up what your mistake is
Comment by Josie March 12, 2008 @ 10:39 pm