I understand; coming from pro ana forum to a sort of recovery blog is a HUGE thing. I do understand.

first off, about creativity as a way out for me- i almost completely agree, but not 100%. i have noticed that creativity for me can be a wonderful outlet, a way for my mind to be occupied in a way that creates rather than destorys. but the flip side of the coin is that when my ed is bad i’m unable to create- i can’t force myself, nothing is there but the ed. i feel this re-emergence of creativity is very much tied to the fact that i went to OA and also that i’ve started to let god back in to things, just a little.

as for the ed talk… i’ve been putting it here because i’ve been trying to move away from my pro ana foruma bit in the name of being more healthy. so, in one sense i did get validation for my ed talk because i was a mod on my forum, a big fish in a little unhappy eating disorder pond, and i’ve been trying to move it into a slightly more healthy way of getting validation from recovery oriented people. but i’d love to move away from the ed talk in the long run because i’m afraid of the negative consequences if i do move to a more healthy place in real life. like, if my goal in life is to starve to death obviously it doesn’t matter who knows what. but if that is not my goal then i need to be more self protective, right?

although the idea of people who read about my ed battles having their hair on fire metaphorically… i must say i can see it. and the idea that writing about my ed in a public venue being like setting my own hair on fire, well, i can see that side as well.

did that just make sense? i hope some of it did, anyway.

I think you will benefit more from making use of your genius than practicing to eat conventionally. Fill the immediate space around you with your creativity, and you’ll learn how unimportant is your appearance to those who honor your work.
… And I’m NOT! saying you’ll end up being a happy fat person, I’m saying that through the creations of your mind, and through finding yourself a correct audience, you might actually find the lacking self-respect, and with true self-respect comes also a desire and the inner wisdom to care for your body.

The following is a comment to both this conversation and to the new story:

Do you like the eating disorder talk? I don’t think you think it’s your hair that is on fire, but ours. We are the people who dig out the crap of your life, “expose the cheating husband”, though not asked to do so, or were we asked? What, if you are just addicted to this bullshit talk, without liking and needing it no more?

I realize that getting an audience to eating disorder talk is way easier than getting audience for art, but when you find audience for your art, nothing has more curative impact! Your stories are really good, possibility to get them even published is not exaggeration, in my opinion.

Have a good day : )

i’m wondering if i should split the stories off into a second blog and keep my private life stuff on this one (or vice versa, make this all fiction and change to a new place with my personal life). for now i settled on putting the links to the short stories all in one place on my sidebar. i dunno.

I just again comment according to the thoughts the story rose in my mind:

I too would be scared if ideal could ever become the standard, but no, it cannot. In this world the happiest, and “healthiest” (because health is a relative value) will always be the person with the highest imperfection tolerance.
The older you get the clearer you’ll see that imperfection is the one sure thing that will build-up in both individual and society level, though it might now seem just the opposite, as you wonder how can you live without your binging and purging, and being an untamed thinker. We all are just that; imperfect, succeeding today and failing tomorrow. You don’t need to commit to more than that.