Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous
i think i’m officially *eep* in recovery. last night i binged. it was awful. but this morning i don’t feel like i need or want to scrap the whole recovery idea. i’m not thrilled about it, but i’m willing to give it a shot.
i guess its more that i’m giving in to the inevitability. i was having more and more doubts about what i was doing, more and more fears about where it was going, and basically i’m just admitting that deep down i’ve been wanting this and fighting it and i don’t want to fight it anymore. i hate recovery, but for now i hate my ed more.
the one huge problem i see is that if the binging continues and i gain much more weight. one binge, fine, okay, recovery is way messier if you try to do it outside a formal treatment program. but a series of binges will definitely have the power to make me start thinking “i don’t care about anything but getting my weight back down”. i don’t know what the trigger would be, but once that happens i’m probably stuck.
it’s very important to avoid binging. i am not 100% sure how to do that, since if i was i wouldn’t have an eating disorder. for now i’m trying to do the 3 meals a day thing, and adding a question “is this something a sane person would eat for this meal” to help me decide. so hopefully no “meals” of one graham cracker, and no “meals” of 2 full size pizzas either.
my goal is to make it through today with no binging, purging, or restrcting. if i make it, then tomorrow remind me to consider going to a tuesday evening OA meeting i used to enjoy back in my good old recovery days.
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Vanessa,
I know that you have worked hard on recovery before. Everyone’s binge stopping tools are different, of course. I know that anxiety fuels my daughter’s binges terribly. She has been working very hard to control her anxiety. If she is around triggering things (or people), she needs to get herself away from those things. She can’t overtax herself right now with school or work or anything, but she has to stay busy enough. She has to stick with her meal plan. You might look at a diabetic diet as a model, trying to eat a protein and a dairy and a carb and one or two veggies/fruits. Eat good variety so that you don’t get bored. Don’t let yourself get hungry. Eat three meals a day with a couple of snacks. If you are like she is, and with a tendency for hypoglycemia, snacks should be high in fiber and protein to keep from throwing blood sugars out of whack. Avoid strenuous exercise. She drinks coffee because it helps her stay “full”, but not too much so that the caffeine overstimulates her.
This diet has really helped her also feel good and stay trim. She stays far away from scales.
If she overdoes at a meal, she calls a friend or goes for a drive and a cigarette. She journals, reads her Bible or a book. She naps.
Go back to the things that have worked for you in the past, Vanessa. Like I said, everyone is different.
I’m so happy that you are going to give this your attention. You really deserve it.
Love, Mrs. B.
Comment by Mrs. B March 10, 2008 @ 3:50 pm