Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes

things could be worse if on top of everything i’d just stubbed my toe!

On top of everything, EVERYTHING, i’ve just stubbed my toe!

It’s not enough that it was raining today.  Or that the rain made the morning so gloomy that I overslept and had to rush so much I couldn’t even shower so I went to work feeling dirty and tired and pissed off.  And then it was someone’s birthday at work and they had a cake but wouldn’t you know it the cake had coconut flakes on it.  I HATE coconut.  So then Connie came up to me saying “Oh Jacob, why aren’t you having any cake, are you watching your girlish figure heh heh heh.”

And yes, fine, I admit I lost my temper.  But they didn’t have to be such jerks.  Fine, yes, it was an over reaction to scream FUCK YOUR CAKE at Connie (who had just turned 35 or so she claimed, I think she’s probably more like 37 but who’s counting?).  And then I suppose I still might have kept my job by pleading low blood sugar or something but I felt the need to put a real exclamation point on the statement, so I jumped up on the table and put my foot right in the middle of her stupid coconut flake covered birtday cake and stomped it into oblivion.

Obviously at that point I was fired anyway so I started picking up pieces of cake and throwing them at everyone until they all ran out of the room, and then i cleaned my shoe off with a paper napkin, got my coat and keys from the hook on the wall, reflected on how much better I felt now that it was all over with, and got in my car to go home.

And wouldn’t you know it, my car wouldn’t start!  So after all that I couldn’t just leave them and their stupid job I had to have the boss come up to me and tell me I was fired and ask me to leave (well, duh, obviously I’m fired, genius) and I had to explain that I was trying to do just that but my car wouldn’t start and in my rush to make it there that morning I’d forgotten my cell phone so I couldn’t call someone to come tow it.

And wouldn’t you know?  She got in the car and it started right up for her when she tried it.  Why do things like this happen?  Was I not already mortified enough what with the cake incident and the being soaked through due to being out in the rain screaming at my car “Why won’t you start, damn you?” for the past 20 minutes?

So I somehow made it home after all of that and the first thing I do after removing my shoes is that I stub my fucking toe on the chair leg.  I’ve always wondered if there was anything worse in the universe than stubbing your little toe, and now at last I have the answer.