things could be a lot worse if my starship didn’t have enough fuel left to stop.
my body was created immortal and enduring. my mind has proven to be less so.
sometimes i think perhaps i am god and i created the universe out this little window in order to have something to look at.
other times i think i can remember that some accident that placed me in this tiny craft, streaking through the stars at some speed close to the speed of light itself, with no way to arrest my progress.
but what of that accident? was i in the middle of an epic battle in space, bailing out of a doomed battleship in a tiny escape pod? were my fuel tanks were shot off only minutes ofter its launch? or was i on a spiritual journey through the stars, a pilgrimage that missed its mark when an asteroid poked a hole in my hydrogen reservoir? perhaps i am a star myself, burning my way through the galaxy in view of gods and men. is it just my madness that makes me think i am a very small being trapped in an only slightly larger spacecraft?
do you know who i am, gentle reader? or are you yet one more figment of my sadly overtaxed imagination, a little bit of company in my ever more lonely existence.
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I have been there, where you feel your dog’s fur on your skin, but don’t feel the dog feeling your skin, you are, but is there really a dog? A hellish state where you make people explode in the television news and water birds die in oil, because you are THE mind, trapped in the bad god’s role you didn’t ask for.
In my case the thoughts are slight symptoms of dissociative disorder.
I still now and then need to go “ into the package”, as I call the, about one week, when I turn of the phone and lock myself in my house, with something I can intensively concentrate on (unfortunately often an exercising bike), in order to stop the craziness in my head. But it stops and stays away longer and longer. Just don’t use restricting food to drive away the thoughts.
“I know you Vanessa”, and I want to tell you again that I believe you are authentic (which I wasn’t quit sure about in the beginning, as you probably noticed from my lecturing comments).
You hang on there girlfriend, it’s soon Sunday!
Comment by valid-i March 7, 2008 @ 2:08 pmif anything i think i’m too authentic. i tend to put everything out there, including my vulnerabilities.
i’m glad you identify with my fictional writing. i’ve only had one episode of more seriously disturbed thinking (a few years ago and never repeated thank goodness!). usually i’m just depressive, but the one time it happened it was really terrible.
Comment by vive42 March 7, 2008 @ 3:13 pm