Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes

You are interesting how you feel vulnerable with this, but you don’t feel vulnerable when people are forcing you to do things you don’t want!

Admitting you want to take responsibility, want to live and want to recover is very strong. I know you’re a strong person, and i think you should do this as a challenge to yourself, because you know you’re strong and you’ll be so pleased with yourself if you do it now.

“it was your fault and i never should have gone along with your stupid plan for me” is a stubborn childish excuse, and not at all brave – beat that temptation out V.

You say that recovery is “weakness, giving up, giving in. it would be going against my very nature, going against my hopes and dreams and goals” but i think you’re wrong there. Stopping losing weight is the strongest thing you could possibly do right now – you’re being ruled by a life-threatening life-ruining illness, and there’s nothing strong about that, that’s weak. And your nature, underneith the seperate entity that is this parasitic ED, is someone who wants to live and make a difference in the world.

V – could you look upon your ED as a person you have to fight against? And you could use your stubborness to an advantage!!
When I was recovering I viewed my ED as a seperate thing to myself, like a parasite. I saw myself as three people, i called them Ana, Mia and Hel(en). Ana and Mia are obvious (and the pro names made me hate them even more!), and Hel was for the part of me that wanted to be healthy and eat right. I could write down the conversations and disagreements between the 3, and understand the fight better.
Just a thought

I was forced into treatment – and was stuck there for 10 months. It felt like hell, from the first day to the last. After a couple of months I gave up fighting against their rules and orders. There was simply no strength left in me. So the therapy showed “success”: I gained weight – and not too less. Everyone was happy, everyone saw the success. I wasn’t neither the one nor the other. Now that it’s over and I am back at home I feel worse than ever. Not only that I am fat now – a state that I hate! No, my body also got used to eat several times a day a certain amount of calories, my mind got trained to say “eating time”, my selfcontrol was broken, I was broken. Coma. Someone, something switched off the machines now and I crawl through the fog and see what’s left of me. And it leaves me in horror. I’ll never let them do this again to me. It’s going to be the toughest time ever in my life until I am me again.

It takes time to stabilize at a healthy weight. Time and regular, healthy nutrious meals to help avoid both the restricting and the binging. And, even after weight is normalized, it takes a while longer for the brain to heal. Weight at a healthy range (and not at the low end of the healthy range either) must be maintain for several months–even up to a year–while the brain heals and the anorexic/ED thoughts and behavior patterns lessen. This is why there is so much relapsing. People are supported for a long enough time. So, even when you leave inpatient, you must continue to get support to keep on track.