usually i don’t really dream or remember my dreams much, so it’s strange to have had 2 bad dreams so close to one another. this one wasn’t literally an ed dream in the classic sense of a food dream or a dream about my weight or ed behaviors. instead it was a dream that i had cancer.
specifically, in this dream, i had had cancer and knew i had cancer for a long time, but i hadn’t done anything about it. i hadn’t done anything for a few different reasons- in the dream money played a role, feeling like i couldn’t afford treatment. mostly i had just not cared whether i lived or died and chose not to be treated for my cancer. there was also a sense of my having put things off, though. a sense that i hadn’t really firmly decided not to be treated but just let the cancer go on and put off doing anything about it, making excuses about not being able to afford it or just generally putting it off and trying to forget about it.
all of this was just part of what you know in dreams, the actual dream was very short. i had cancer and the bottom of my foot hurt and that pain was a sign that the cancer had gotten untreatable. the pain slowly grew and expanded so that for an instant before i woke up i had an unbearable pain in my foot and knew the pain was only going to get worse and i was going to die.
i woke up. and i felt for maybe the first time in my life an actual fear of dying. like my being dead and the rest of the world going on as usual would be a terrible thing.
anyways, i don’t have cancer, as far as i know. i do have an ed though…
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Do you really think that maybe you’re putting off ED treatment with good excuses or bad excuses V?
Comment by Josie February 19, 2008 @ 3:45 pmIt almost feels like what you want or need is for someone to step in and tell you what to do..
well, josie, i think that my reasons for not entering recovery/treatment are understandable from an outside, objective perspective. i think i have thought them through and challenged myself, perhaps more so than most people with eds who aren’t in recovery. but on the other hand, i also think the dream may show that deep down i don’t believe any excuse is good enough reason to continue slowly killing yourself.
and yeah, i’ve written before with you about how i have been forced into recovery in the past and i think it’s very true that i don’t really know how to go into recovery on my own without severe outside pressure. i’ll write more on that soon i think, who knows, it might be helpful getting me out of this rut of mine?
Comment by vive42 February 19, 2008 @ 5:21 pmI wonder, if you were to list your reasons for staying with the ED, if you could find ways to solve them?
Like with increased depression if you were to recover – maybe getting some treatment for depression as well, and ways to cope with the emotions when they come.
I do believe you can get through this. Especially as a strong person like you are, and i think your unconscious may be trying to tell you that..
Comment by Josie February 19, 2008 @ 6:29 pm