this is a draft of an upcoming post i’m planning to put up on the pro ana forum where i’m a moderator. it’s an introduction to my secret sympathies with the FA movement, a coming out if you will. thought i’d post it here as well. i’ll be putting it up on the forum soon, just trying to decide whether to inclide more links to FA sites that would be appropriate for pro ana types. (if anyone has any suggestions let me know!)
What if everything you’ve ever been told about fat was wrong? That’s the position of the people in the Fat Acceptance movement (or FA). FA is a group of people who hold the opposite view on just about everything the pro ana movement believes, and deep down I’ve always thought that they’re on to something.
According to FA, most people who are fat are that way genetically and could no more change their body size than change the color of their eyes.
If that was true wouldn’t it be terrible the way fat people are treated in our society?
According to FA, thin is only beautiful because that’s what the media have told us to believe. FA says any size can be beautiful, fat can be beautiful, and there’s no need to be ashamed of your body if you happen to have a fat one. Can you imagine just accepting your body for what it is and loving it and feeling beautiful, regardless of your weight?According to FA people fat or thin should enjoy food, eat healthily but without making rules about “good“ or “bad“ foods, get regular exercise and enjoy whatever body God gave them.Do you even think that’s possible? To me it sounds great- like a dream I can’t even imagine could apply to me.According to FA just about everything you’ve ever heard about the obesity epidemic is untrue. Scientists that study obesity are funded by those companies that benefit from everyone always trying to lose weight. You know the type of companies- Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, SlimFast. Do any of those things really work? Most people with eating disorders would say, we doubt it. Who knows better than us how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off? If it were easy we wouldn’t have to devote every second of our lives to it!
Are the news stories about the obesity epidemic for real, or are they just there because scaring people about their health is a good way to get people watching your program?
Well, what do you guys think about all this?
If you want to find out more about Fat Acceptance, this is an FA blog I like that is done by a girl who has also struggled with an eating disorder.
Filed under: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous, pro-ana, proana | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous, pro-ana, proana
as you may have noticed, dear reader, i’ve been on this will-i-or-won’t-i-recover trip since forever, certainly since reaching my original goal weight months ago. this past week, ever since making it to the OA meeting sunday, my mind has been changing from hour to hour, minute to minute. my poor head is filled with contradictions.
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i want to go back to the meeting this week.
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i need to weigh x before i can go back.
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i need to make it to an anorexic bmi before i re-enter recovery.
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i want to forget about this weight loss game.
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i’m still fat.
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i’m getting too thin, it’s scaring people and that’s scaring me.
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i don’t want to face my life.
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i want to have goals that aren’t weight loss related again.
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i want this insanity to stop.
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i’ll never stop until someone forces me.
so all this week i’ve felt i’m just trying to make it till sunday, when i can let my guard down again. until sunday anything goes when it comes to reassuring myself that going to a meeting doesn’t mean i have to stop losing. i guess the plan for now is to go to weekly meetings while doing every eating disordered behavior i have even more than before. fun, huh?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous
what you eat and what you weigh is the least important aspect of recovery. the problem is, from the outside looking in it is the ONLY important aspect of recovery. because in order to make any progress you have to change how you eat and accept a weight you consider too high.
when i think about recovering i focus on how much i’ll have to eat, worrying about how much weight i’ll gain, and making little deals like “ok, just 5 more pounds and then i’ll think about it again.” and i think about my life, and how i don’t want to face stuff like getting a job or going back to school or that fact that i can never go back to social work- and i imagine recovery as this horrible wave of reality that will crash back over me and consume me unless i keep it at bay with my ed.
but something someone said on another blog finally reminded me that it really wasn’t like that at all. first and foremost it was about using specific practical tools to address my problems one by one and deal with them in a constructive way. it was about leaning on people who cared about me so that i felt supported even when things were going badly in my life. it was about learning to rely on faith and spirituality when there weren’t other people around to comfort me. it was about practicing acceptance and living in the moment. in the moment there is only one thing you have to be doing at a time, so you stop feeling like a million things are crashing in on you at once and start feeling like anything is possible if you take things one day at a time.
it wasn’t magic. and it didn’t come from eating this or that or maintaining this or that weight. i followed a food plan and maintained a healthy weight, sure. those things were necessary- but they were the absolute least of it. the rest was the useful stuff that actually made a difference in my life.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders
one of the more ironic aspects of the pursuit of “perfection” is the growing need to hide just how much ”progress” you’re making.
now that i’m crossing the line from “wow you look great!” to “oh dear! you’re not going to lose any more, are you?” i’ve realised that it really is less and less convenient for anyone in the real world to see that i’ve lost more weight. this was way worse the first 3 times it happened, because in the first 2 cases i was in school for social work and the 3rd time i was in housing related to my being a mental case. all three times i came under more and more pressure, finally culminating in my being forced into treatment. even this time around, though, my parents will eventually try to intervene if they get worried enough.
hazards for the overtly skinny range from the dire down to the mildly annoying. examples include: losing your job. losing your relationship. getting kicked out of school. being legally forced into a hopsital or IP treatment center. getting kicked out of your gym or organized physical activities. unwelcome and excessive comments about your appearance. people being “concerned” about you. being asked inconvenient questions. being pressured to “eat something!” people getting extremely upset, sad, afraid, or angry at you. people staring at you.
so after all this work to be thin you’re stuck trying to hide. for me that means trying to avoid my parents for as long as possible. my 30th birthday is march 21st, and i’ll have to deal with that when it comes. until then, consider me in deep cover!
how about you? ever have to hide from people or try to cover up your weight loss from them (no specifics please, we wouldn’t want to tip off the kiddies 
)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous, pro-ana, proana, Uncategorized
maybe it’s just more over reaction to having gone yesterday to the OA meeting but today i find myself practically in the pro ana camp. that old feeling, the victorious triumphant feeling that i’ve won by losing is back. i haven’t felt this way much at all this whole time i’ve been losing weight, mostly i’ve had the other side of things, the fears and hating my body and feeling fat and wanting to get rid of as much of me as possible.
today that’s all changed. i feel powerful. strong. it’s me against the world and i am WINNING. no one can stop me. nothing can make me change. this is what i am and fuck anyone or anything that suggests different.
as always with me, however, a part of me can sit back and observe this and take note, knowing it won’t last and cringing at the sheer bloody minded stupidity of myself for feeling like losing another pound is a triumph. i’ve lost 74 of the fuckers. i have every reason to believe i am capable of continuing to lose them indefinitely. so now i am clinically underweight instead of clinically obese- whoopdedoo.
congratulations vanessa, you’ve just acheived underweight status. what are you going to do now?
i’m going to go puke in a toilet!!!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders, overeaters anonymous
yay for me! i actually followed through and went to my meeting!!!
i have missed those people SO MUCH. and i miss myself, the way i used to be when recovery was going well and i was actually starting to like myself. i hate to compare me now to me then and know how much i’ve gone downhill. its like i’m a hollow shell now, when before i was full of life and hope.
it’s not like i’m willing to actually change anything, mind you. i went to one meeting, that’s all. and i’ve come up with a rule for myself that i must lose x amount of pounds this week in order to go to the meeting again next sunday. which is stupid, i know, but it’s the only way i can feel safe. its proof that the program isn’t forcing me to eat against my will, it isn’t forcing me to give up my ed, i am in control for as long as i need to be. when i’m ready then i can think about letting go of some of that control. but for now the rule is that i have to lose weight to earn the right to go to the next meeting.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders
what an evil little phrase. has anyone ever said this to you? have you said it to someone else?
there are only two cases where i’d consider it appropriate to say that it’s just the ed talking. those are: when someone with an ed is saying something clearly untrue about food and when someone with an ed is saying something clearly untrue about their own weight. ANY other use of the phrase ought to be forever out of bounds to all well meaning professionals, family, friends, significant others and passing bicycle couriers that feel the need to disagree with an eating disordered individual.
people use “thats the ed talking” in evil ways. they use it to discount every thought and feeling a person with an ed may express. they use it to end an argument, to get out of answering hard questions, to dismiss doubt and fears a person may have about recovery, and to put people with eds in their place. they use it when the ed is having some effect on the eating disordered person’s thinking or emotional stability and they use it when the ed has nothing whatever to do with the situation.
the feeling when this is used by a professional or a loved one to dismiss you is simply awful. there is literally no response- your words have been dismissed. you are completely helpless since anything you might say in response is again “the ed talking”.
later on there’s the fear. what if they’re right? what if everything i say and think is ”the ed” and there’s nothing left of me. perversely this whole thing backfires, because you start thinking that without the ed i wouldn’t be me!
so please, people. lets kick this stupid phrase out of our lexicon. and no, that’s not just the ed talking.
dude, it looks like i made it! i have finally managed to avoid american idol.
i hope i’m not speaking too soon, mind you. i’ve been sucked in the past couple of years after having no interest the first 3 seasons. the problem was that once i had watched two or three episodes to laugh at people who were bad i found myself somehow being hooked in to coming back week after week despite hating everything about that stupid, mindless program. i hated the singing, i hated the judges, i hated the idea of “reality” tv. but i watched anyway! yuck.
this year the writers strike had me less into tv in general. i’ve been listening to a lot of npr (nerd alert) and generally finding ways to spend my time other than tv watching. for a major tv addict this was a huge change- but i got bored of my choices while the writers were striking and i didn’t have things like heroes and house to look forward to.
so i’m out! freeeeeee at last! and it feels soooo good. of course, i’m sure my days of tv addiction aren’t over- i LOVE good tv! as good shows come back i figure i’ll find myself tuning in again. but for now thanks to that darn writers strike i seem to have freed myself of the awful spectre of watching another season of american idol.
hip hip! hoooray!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, eating disorders
my job is to lose as much weight as possible.
going into treatment voluntarily would mean that i’m choosing not to lose weight. since my job is to lose weight i can’t voluntarily go against my main purpose in life. it would be wrong, it would be weakness, giving up, giving in. it would be going against my very nature, going against my hopes and dreams and goals. it would be just plain wrong.
but if i get forced into treatment? totally different story. then its just a matter of hey, i tried my best, i did all i could to acheive my main purpose and some outside force made me stop losing weight. once i’ve been stopped from losing even temporarily i can allow myself to open up to the possibility of cooperating, of looking beyond just weight loss at my life and my other hopes and dreams and the way my ed has gotten in the way of them. and i have an out- if recovery doesn’t work out i can say, look, it wasn’t my fault you made me try recovery and recovery didn’t work. it was your fault and i never should have gone along with your stupid plan for me.
choosing to go into recovery on my own is a totally different animal. it’s taking responsibility for myself. its admitting i care whether i live or die. it’s admitting i want to recover which is admitting vulnerability. it’s risking something, not being forced to risk something.
i don’t like it. i admit that my current situation means i might have to consider the possibility of maybe doing this for the first time. but i do not like it at all. it feels like being naked. like being vulnerable in a whole new way i’ve never tried before.
