when people suggest i recover, i feel sometimes like we’re talking a different language. they seem to be suggesting that i try living a happy ed free life and that i should do the hard work it takes to secure that. wheras in reality i feel what they’re suggesting is that i do something insanely painful and difficult that i’ve already tried and failed at 3 times with absolutely no guarantee that i will have any different results on try number 4.
my “relapse” which i may or may not have mentioned before, happened like this:
vanessa has been in recovery for one year. she is on her third try but her first using the overeaters anonymous program to recover post-hospitalization. vanessa is happier and more productive than she has ever been. she has friends, her life seems to be getting back on track, she has nothing but optimism for her future.
vanessa gets a new job, a job with hours that make it very difficult to follow her extremely rigid food plan or make it to her 3 times weekly meetings. the job is great, vanessa loves it! but she’s more tired than usual and starts taking shortcuts with food. 2 weeks later the binging starts. 2 weeks after that she has lost all contact with OA, stopped going to all meetings, and is binging daily. vanessa is still happy and enjoying her new job, but somehow her eating has gone completely haywire in what feels like no time at all. when election day comes several months later and the job ends she is in full relapse, has gained 15 pounds, and still has 6 or 7 months of straight binging and weight gain before, magically, she wakes up one morning able to restrict and lose weight again. about 4 months later a cycle of binging and purging is in place and vanessa has no real concept of when the b/ping started or how it got so out of control. this continues to the present day when vanessa has now lost 60 pounds and purges anything that passes her lips.
now, you can say what you like but i felt blindsided by the relapse. it came so fast and i fell so far and hard i can’t even figure out how it could be prevented from happening next time. because it seems to literally have been a matter of missing 2 weeks of OA meetings and not eating an absolutely rigid pre-planned meal plan. i went from happy and optimistic to depressed and out of control. i never wanted to leave recovery, i never wanted to relapse, and i had been doing consistently well for 12 fucking MONTHS in a row! longer than i’d ever gone before. and it all just fell away as if it were nothing.
so, go ahead. tell me i should choose recovery. tell me i just need to want it enough. give me a guarantee. but if you can’t? then don’t judge me for not choosing to put myself through it a fourth time with no way of knowing whether i’m just killing time until my next relapse.
it’s laughably easy to explain what i get from my ed that makes it hard to give it up. do i have doubts, fears, reservations? of course. i used to be a recovery poster child- i know better than this. but on a day to day basis my ed gives my mind something to do instead of dwelling on how useless and purposeless my life is. i can avoid thoughts of failing at life and fears about that or how i could come back after falling so far. i can avoid responsibility for finding a new career path after losing my old one. i get a false feeling of progress and accomplishment when the numbers on the scale go down. but i also get a chance to put myself down for the small stuff, substituting thoughts about how i’m such a fat pig for thoughts about how i’ve ruined my life and lost everything i cared about.
it’s identity, too. especially since i’m part of a pro-ana forum and now even a moderator, my ed gives me self-esteem and a sense of place and belonging. in real life i’m a mess, but on my forum i’m a star. on my forum i’m sensible, caring, helpful, knowledgable, and good at the one thing that matters which is losing weight. on my forum i feel valued and respected. in real life? not.
well, here i am in my parents’ home going crazy because of my ed. it’s nuts, i’m spending way way too much time scheming to purge what they feed me, and scheming to binge and purge once they’re asleep.
the thing is, i’ve lost tons of weight and obviously my parents know it was through my eating disorder. i’ve even confirmed it for them. i’ve been hospitalized before, there’s no secrecy left in this area- in the details everything is secretive, but not in the broad outlines. my mom told me they’d talked it over and decided not to intervene unless i become emaciated.
i’ve been purging a lot, like i mentioned. purging is a new thing for me, i used to restrict and maybe purge in an emergency but it was very rare. i figure they must know, they must have heard or noticed something.
the nice thing, and also the thing i’m feeling conflicted over, is that they’ve completely avoided any comment about my weight or eating habits. and, it’s been soooo nice. because i don’t want to ruin christmas with my ed but i’m so out of control right now i can’t just eat some huge family dinner and then not purge. and i might be able to restrict completely but it would be so obvious and embarassing to sit there picking at a few veggies and refuse dessert.
so, in a way i am so greatful that they’re carefully avoiding any comment about these things. but… i have to admit i’m scared of how off the rails i’ve gone. and it worries me that there isn’t a safety net anyplace close. i mean, if i wait till i’m emaciated and they step in for medical reasons i have months and months and maybe 30 more pounds to lose before anyone besides myself will intervene to halt this bullshit. and i worry i may go too far someday, and no one will know in time to bring me back.
when i began this blog i was medically obese, and i had recently decided to lose weight in an unhealthy way. i’d done it before, and i’d also had a period in recovery where i was happier than i had ever been, until the binging started. my plan was simple- lose weight the quick, unhealthy way. then jump back into recovery as quickly as possible. no harm, no foul.
i didn’t really and truly believe things would be that easy even back at the beginning, but i didn’t care. i told myself i’d fix it when the time came. and the thing is, i still stand by my thinking. because i was so desperately unhappy with my weight at the time and losing in a more healthy way or re-entering recovery before losing any weight was just impossible. because of embarassment and because without restricting i always fell into binging no matter how hard i tried to eat healthily. i’d still rather be eating disordered, crazy, depressed, and thin instead of eating disordered, crazy, depressed and fat.
but the thing is, i reached my goal weight. i’m 8 pounds below it with no plans whatever to stop losing weight. i don’t even really have a new goal weight, i just don’t care. and i really feel like there’s a problem here but i can’t make myself feel urgently about it! when i was approaching my goal i made a modest goal to go to one little OA meeting when i reached my goal weight (this was when i’d already decided my goal wasn’t going to cut it) and i haven’t even done that. and when i look at myself in the mirror all i can feel is horror and disgust at my fatness. which doesn’t lend itself to stopping any time soon…
i just wish i could shake myself and scream WAKE UP!!!! but i’m in a fog and it seems i’ve lost any idea of how to find the way out.
just a quick post to point out the favorite opening line on what seems like every single comment on mamaVISION. i admit i fell prey to it myself, most recently with a comment that implied that you can too be fat and wear a size 2. (ooops!)
it’s not a criticism of mamaVISION herself of course- but it’s just too hilarious to let it go without comment. josie’s the one who brought it to the forefront of my mind- but i’ve noticed before that mamaVISION with its population of eating disordered idiots as readers attracts soooo much ed speak. the people reading don’t seem to understand the points she’s trying to make at all! their replies are completely focused on situating themselves on the reverse totem pole of size status. because everyone knows that your opinion doesn’t matter unless you’re a size 0, right? or maybe its just that if you’re going to say something about body image and you’re small it’s vitally important that people understand that just because you said this it doesn’t mean you’re fat yourself.
and don’t think the fatties are immune either! “i’m a size 14 and i think…” seems almost as common as the infamous “i’m a size 00 and i still have celulite” type comment. why do these women feel driven to confess the shame of their fatness before continuing to comment? search me, man, i’m currently in the normal weight range, so i got no idea how those fat people think.
you gotta laugh, otherwise you might start crying.
why is it that saying someone is doing something “for attention” has such intense negative overtones? for instance, i agreed with someone that said Heather from mamaVISION says controversial things on her blog to get more attention. now, to me that seems completely obvious. from heather’s other comments she clearly seems to understand that many things she portrays as black and white have many shades of grey. why does she then go back to portraying them as black and white? because it makes for a punchier blog that is easy to read and is controversial- in other words, it brings in the readers. mamaV does TONS of things that seem to me to be intended to bring in the readers.
heather’s reaction was to scoff at the very idea- she has a husband and child and a job, so how could she possibly be interested in getting attention for herself through her blog? in fact, she often portrays herself as a martyr to all the emails and comments. does that ring seriously false for anyone else but me?
but what on earth is wrong with people admitting that they like attention? everyone does- everyone wants to be listened to and validated. i was just accused to going and causing trouble on heathers’ blog “for attention” by an anonymous commenter. well, i totally cop to it. i feel STRONGLY about my criticisms, i believe them, and i think them through. but i state things in outrageous ways and make a big deal out of them because i’d rather people pay attention than just have them slip by unnoticed. i enjoy attention. so does heather from mamaVISION. and if you claim to be different then i say you’re a liar.
JUST NOT HILARY CLINTON!
i like hilary about as much as i like mamavision.com. i wasn’t a huge fan of her husband, and i’m a little concerned about the dynastic trend of american politics (jeb for prez in 2016! then how does chelsea ‘24 sound? ummm… are you getting nervous yet, america?)
but the real reasons i don’t like her are that she’s too far on the right while being hard to elect because the right thinks she’s borderline socialist! take it from a borderline socialist- nuh uh, no how, no way. i mean, if we want to fight against charges of hyper-leftism or socialism we should at least have the benefit of fighting for an actual fucking socialist, right? (kucinich starts to look more appealing…)
also, she’s icky. she’s the mitt romney, say or do anything to be elected of the democrats.
so, i’m a reluctant obama supporter who could jump to edwards in a second if he was the anti-clinton consensus candidate. why reluctant on obama? because i’m from massachusetts and we just elected new governor patrick last year. deval patrick was a hopeful, idealistic african american candidate who was new to the game of politics. sound familiar? people were pretty excited about electing him, and while i was as usual bemoaning the lack of progressive alternatives, i was excited too. but since he’s been elected he seems to have struggled, mostly because he hasn’t know how to get along with our legislature (full to the brim of democratic party hacks and a nightmare by any standards).
so yeah, i kindof buy the questions about barack obama’s lack of experience, but i’m for him anyway because i don’t want to have to drit my teeth, close my eyes, and cast a vote for hilary clinton.
