ok, here’s the latest over at mamaVISION: she has a problem with anorexic moms.
what a surprise. as usual, she pretends a distinction between “proana” and anorexic, so i suppose i should have said she’s against proana moms. but that’s utter bullshit. read her latest (and no, i refuse to link to the woman, if you don’t read her don’t bother) and you can see for yourself- her real problem is with mom’s who have emotional issues.
according to mamaV moms with eating disorders are vain, selfish, and care nothing for the welfare of their children. they will horribly warp their children and are entirely to blame for their own problems and their childrens’ problems.
now, to be completely honest, moms with eds make me uncomfortable. some part of me cries out that they ought to be in recovery and doing whatever it takes to be well, for the sake of their children. but the TRUTH is that having children doesn’t magically fix people’s eating disorders! if you can get over the initial predjudice (and i have it too, believe me) you’ll see that women with eating disorders are going to marry and have children, and once they do they aren’t all going to be able to kick their eating disorders. they’ll probably try to recover, or they’ll convince themselves they can hide it from their kids.
alcoholics (the non-sober kind) make lousy parents too. as do people with mental illness, quite often. some people do a better job than others. but to just stand up and say “you’re a bad, selfish person for having children and being bulimic” is just so blind and insensitive. sure i think moms with eds should be in recovery, but if they aren’t i don’t think it’s because they don’t care about their children. it’s because they, like all of us with eds, are scared of recovery, stuck in their habits, and able to delude themselves that their problems aren’t hurting anyone but themselves.
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Hi Vanessa,
I agree with you wholeheartedly, except i’m not going to bash mamaV herself (aka i’m not going to call her a motherf**ker!).
There’s definitely not much of a distinction between ‘pro-anas’ and anorexics, and it concerns me that mamaV is intending to write her book about all this when she doesn’t understand these core issues, and in doing so is going to make life harder for everyone involved because of the ensuing confusion (anorexics considered wannarexics, and vice versa).
Ideally moms with EDs should be trying to recover, because it’s going to have an effect upon their children. As i see it there’s lots of factors here:
- cost of treatment
- treatment is unsuccessful
- they’re not able to take on recovery because they’re not ready (a person MUST be ready to recover)
- their ED has deluded them into thinking of their ED as a lifestyle (it is a mental illness afterall … it’s easy to forget that those with EDs are basically “crazy” because of dieting and weight obsession being so normal)
- they believe their children will not be affected
- the prospect of recovery terrifies them
I have friends online who have children and their worry about their eating habits effect upon their kids distresses them massively. There are occasionally uncaring ignorant eating-disordered mothers around, but not many.
There’s lots of ways that mothers can screw up their kids. Being anorexic is only one small thing in comparison with obesity, smoking, drinking, abusive home environments, divorce, setting children unattainable standards to achieve, over-protectiveness, under-protectiveness, not showing enough love and affection, not giving encouragement, criticising too much, etc, etc, etc.
Comment by Josie October 22, 2007 @ 10:01 amhey josie-
i am so glad you exist! everything you say is spot on, plus having your support on some of these things is really reassuring since people seem to think i’m just objecting for the fun of it.
the motherfucker part was a joke, lol. partly because i called her that as a joke on a comment a little while ago and partly because the most was about moms. har har i crack myself up.
she really pissed me off with this one though. that quote she posted from that poor bulimic mom, and then holding the woman up as an example of selfishness and vanity. i know some moms with eds online too, and i have to be honest- sometimes i just want to shake them and tell them to get in recovery and stay there. especially when they tell stories about their kids noticing their ed behaviors. but the truth is, it isn’t that easy. it’s no easier for someone with a child to recover than it is for me or anyone else with an ed. which is why mamaV bashing them was just so unfair.
ideally, parents would be perfect. in real life, they’re just people.
Comment by Vive42 October 22, 2007 @ 1:02 pmI don’t think that she meant to say that having children should be a magical cure for an eating disorder. I think that she, much like myself, was simply disgusted at the fact that these women are embracing their disorders and encouraging each other to keep it up instead of trying to get better for the sake of their children. You say that recovery is difficult, but if a mother loves her children enough to put them before herself, she’d walk through fire for them, and I don’t see that quality in any of the women who post on those Livejournal sites. It IS selfish to know you have a problem and just not bother doing anything about it even when your children are suffering.
Comment by sugarandsnails October 22, 2007 @ 8:01 pmsugarandsnails- thanks for your comment, and do i understand where you’re coming from. i just think you may underestimate how difficult and/or impossible recovery can be for some people. for instance, depending on the severity of your eating disorder recovering can easily require spending 6 months or more away from home in an IP program, and the cost can be as much or more than that of a college education.
Comment by Vive42 October 23, 2007 @ 1:11 pmNoooo fuckin’ way!!!! I just commented her that I was gonna start a blog about her no-life having, jealous ass!!
Looks like you beat me to it!! I ranted about her in my LJ community here:
http://tinyurl.com/25u5bs
Here’s MY bloggy-thing:
http://tinyurl.com/2f2t7q
feel free to check it out..
Read what “Angry and Poor” wrote in there..
LOL!
OMG!! I love you, you are awesome!!
Comment by Wannabeyummy October 23, 2007 @ 5:43 pmWait a cotton pickin minute….you mean to tell me that getting married and having children isn’t a magical pill that will make all my issues go away?!?!? Do you mean to tell me that i picked up yet, MORE FACKING RESPONSILBITY?!?! What is this world comming to? I WANT A REFUND! lmao.
Comment by queen_apathy October 24, 2007 @ 3:03 pmwannabeyummy and queen_apathy
good to see you both here. thanks for the links, yummy, although it looks like you’ve made your blog private since all this stuff with mamaV started- probably for the best, stay safe ladies.
i’ve been blogging against this lady for a few months now- sorry she treated your group so unfairly, but it’s really her mo. she says she wants to help people. great way of helping, huh?
Comment by Vive42 October 24, 2007 @ 11:55 pmThere is an enormous social pressure to have children, too. A lot of people aren’t going to accept, “I have some health issues that I need to resolve before I make that choice.” As someone who has decided to not have children, I have taken a lot of crap from people over it–even when I explain that my health issues 1. make me not likely to bear children anyway, and 2. would keep me from having the physical strength and endurance to raise them, they don’t care. They don’t care that I don’t even LIKE babies–I’m “selfish” and “awful” for not having them. Many others who choose not to have children because their health issues could kill them if they did STILL get the same crap.
So, I am really doubting that someone who WANTS children, and who has an ED, would really have anyone in their lives even suggesting that they hold off until they’re recovered.
In our “must have babies at all costs, any costs” society, the woman’s health and well-being are secondary to her fertility (just TRY getting surgery to correct female issues if you haven’t had kids yet–if there is any risk that you’ll lose fertility, they don’t want to do it). Even if she’s got an ED.
Comment by RioIriri October 25, 2007 @ 12:13 am