Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes

i just got a phone call from someone from OA- a woman i knew when i was in recovery, as it happens. she was calling to ask if i wanted to be taken off the phone list… she must have been going through all the numbers on the list. and i haven’t been to a meeting in over a year.

i told her not to take me off the list. so she asked if i was still in OA. and i said i was hoping to go back, eventually, maybe in the next few months.

i want to cry. i miss how things were when i was in program. i hate my life now. i hate my eating disorder. but i’m stuck and i won’t even consider returning to program before i reach 120 pounds. hopefully that will be no longer than 2 months from now. (i have 15 pounds left). but even then, i don’t know if i’ll go back. maybe go back and hang around at meetings- but i don’t think i’ll be ready to stop losing weight in 15 pounds.

i hate myself. i wish i’d never left the program. its a program for fucking fat people, why the hell did i feel like once i reached a certain weight due to binging then i couldn’t go back? if i’d stayed even when my relapse started and committed to losing the weight healthily, maybe things would be different. maybe i’d have a job, a life, friends, still. maybe i wouldn’t be crying right now.