i feel like i’m gonna lose it, dude. it feels like things just aren’t working, i’m not losing any weight, it’s hopeless and i’m stuck being fat forever!
seriously. i know i barely leave my house lately (i’m unemployed since last november) much less excersize. and i never weighed myself when i first first started restricting- i waited a few days. but it’s been close to two weeks now and i’ve eaten less than 800 calories (and the past week or so around 600) and i don’t seem to be budging the numbers on my scale.
i’m getting fucking paranoid about this, dude. i have a LOT of weight to lose. sure i could reduce my calories a little more, and i could definitely start walking/excersizing. but you’d think eating 600 calories (down from like 6000 or more when i was binging!) would be enough to make me LOSE some FUCKING weight!!!!
i reduced my food intake today, i had animal crackers and a protein bar which added up to between 500 and 600 calories instead of my 800 usual. tomorrow i’m going to try and go to the supermarket, maybe get started on a new regimen. i weighed myself yesterday and again today, bad bad news and i feel awful. i’ve gained like 60 lbs in the past year. i can’t believe i let it go that far.
i am unbelievably fat and gross. it’s so hard to stay strong and stay positive when my goals are so far away…
right now I’m aroung 175 lbs. My goal is to get back below 120. anything past that i won’t think about until i make it.
it’s going to be a long long slog. i’m thinking 6 months, even if i work hard. averaging more than 10 lbs a month has always been near impossible for me no matter how much i restrict. but maybe if i start excercising i could shorten that time.
I’m down today. I keep remembering all the bad times when I was sick and unable to eat even if I wanted to. And here I am trying to do it all again. I wish there was another way.
Then I think about how unhappy I am when I am binging, how fat and disgusting and hopeless I feel. And that is way worse, period. So I have to keep going and when I get thin again I’ll deal with any problems that causes. For now I may not like it but it’s this or binging and gaining weight and hating myself and wanting to die because of it.
I’m too old for this shit.
my usual pattern of restriction has me eating the same thing every day for weeks or sometimes months at a time. that way i never have any temptation. i binged for a months on crap, so my current diet is a restricted version of the same crap. specifically, i’ve been eating one toll house ice cream sandwich cookie (500 cal) and one bottle of strawberry milk (290 cal). which makes 800 calories total (rounded up, or course). i expect this to change once i move at the end of this month, but until then it’s a good rut.
my last time around i used to eat a protein bar and a bowl of cereal every day, and the time before that i had my least healthy diet ever, when i ate one pint of fat free frozen yogurt each day. the first time around i had more variety, but i remember almost every day eating half a microwaveable chicken cordon bleu almost every night.
i tend to prioritize having a low calorie total over everything, and it’s easier for me to only eat once or twice a day so that i don’t have any temptation to stray. usually once i get going i have around 550 calories a day, right now i’m over that but at least i’m under 1200, so hopefully i’ll make a change in a month or so and reduce my total.
i haven’t weighed myself for a long time (too scared!!) but eventually i’ll face the scale again. i miss my scale. but if i see my weight right now it might freak me out so badly that i give up and start binging again. better not to know.
my fingers are crossed that i’m getting that momentum back. it’s about a week since i started restricting, and it’ll take a good while till i’m out of the danger zone. when eating normally is impossible and unthinkable and restricting is easy. i’m not there yet, but i have been and i will be again.
i was thinking about my first time. my first diet. i was so hopeful and innocent and sure i’d found the secret of life or something. i had a good thing going… wish i’d never let them talk me into recovery. i wouldn’t be fat and miserable, i’d be thin. or dead. either way, it would be better than all the shit i;ve gone through.
but noooooo, i had to go and let them drag me back from the fucking brink. and then i went around a second time, and a third. that make’s this my third relapse and i hope i’ve learned my lesson. “recovery” doesn’t work for me. it just makes me fat and unhappy.
Dare I hope that my beloved anorexia has at last returned to me? Is it possible that at last my peace of mind will return and the weight will fall off my body once again?
See, I made a terrible mistake. I tried to recover and leave it behind me. I tried to lead a “normal” life. Well, that’s all over with, fingers crossed.
The only way to go from here is down.
